Oh, how I've missed you all so very, very much! I have been staying caught up with everyone's blog (usually reading on my phone at the hospital) the last few weeks. I'm sorry I haven't been able to comment, but please know I've been here in spirit.
A few weeks ago my mom had surgery to remove a tibia lesion the size of a large orange. The biopsy came back as low grade sarcoma. Fortunately, the surgeon is confident he got all of the malignant tissue and she won't need radiation or chemotherapy at this time. They'll watch her leg closely for the next few years as a precaution. A couple of days after her surgery, my mom started to have difficulty breathing. It turned out that she had a blood clot in her lung. After another week or so waiting for Coumadin to sufficiently thin her blood, she was finally released to a rehabilition hospital to get her strength back & to learn how to use a walker since she can only put 50 pounds of her weight on the leg with the bone graft. My parents' relationship is pretty crappy most days and my dad can be incredibly selfish so my dad spends a lot of time being put out that my mom's situation has been an inconvience for him. I've literally had to have conversations with him about being nicer to my mom, which helps for a few days & then he starts to revert back to form. I'm not sure what is more stressful, my mom's health situation or dealing with my dad. The surgeon estimated that it will take 8-12 weeks for her bone graft to heal so it's going to be a long couple of months. I'm just glad all of this happened before my FET.
My tentative FET date is Friday, February 11th. Since my mom's bone graft is expected to take a lot longer to heal than they originally estimated, it's unlikely that she'll be able to travel to Denver. Plus, even if the bone graft is healed, I'm reluctant to risk her walking on ice or snow in Denver with a fragile bone, not to mention the added risk of falling while on Coumadin. My best friend has been sweet enough to offer to go to Denver with me to help me out while I'm on bedrest. My mom has accompanied me to nearly everyone of my fertility appointments the last three years and it definitely hurts knowing that she won't get to be there for what will hopefully be my last transfer. As far as FET preparation, I've managed to get my FET medications ordered, my mammogram done, and my pap scheduled so I think I'm in pretty good shape. Wednesday marks the one year anniversary of my ODWU...it's hard to believe it has been a year already.
T.
Monday, December 6, 2010
Thursday, November 11, 2010
Update on medical scare
It turns out that my bloodwork from Monday showed elevated electrolyte levels and my eGFR level was in the middle of the "moderate kidney damage" range. Thankfully, my bloodwork from yesterday came back normal & my doctor isn't at all concerned. I think for my own peace of mind heading into my FET, I'm going to have my ob-gyn redo my bloodwork when I see her in a few weeks for my pap.
My FET is scheduled for Friday, February 11th. I hate to wait three months, but I know I'll be more relaxed if my mom comes with me & her doctor expects it to take 6 weeks for her to recover from her surgery, which is the Monday before Thanksgiving.
Much love to all my blog sisters that have gotten devastating news this week. You are in my thoughts & prayers.
T.
My FET is scheduled for Friday, February 11th. I hate to wait three months, but I know I'll be more relaxed if my mom comes with me & her doctor expects it to take 6 weeks for her to recover from her surgery, which is the Monday before Thanksgiving.
Much love to all my blog sisters that have gotten devastating news this week. You are in my thoughts & prayers.
T.
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
CCS Results
I'm very sorry I've been MIA recently. Life seems to be spinning out of control for me these days and I felt that way before everything that has happened within the last six hours. I'll blog more about what's going on at another time.
Dr. Surrey called this evening to let me know that both my 4AA and 3AB are normal. It hasn't even begun to sink in that there's finally hope for me. I'm. in. disbelief.
Yesterday I had my annual physical & they told me my bloodwork would be back in a week. This evening I had a message on my home voice mail saying that the doctor wants to recheck some of my bloodwork. Seriously, would the universe finally give me hope & then have something serious come up for me health-wise? Since it had only been 24 hours, my mom is trying to convince me that there was just a lab mixup & maybe they need more blood or something like that. Now I'm freaking out over the supplements I took for four months. God, please let it be nothing serious.
Hugs to you all,
An overwhelmed T.
Dr. Surrey called this evening to let me know that both my 4AA and 3AB are normal. It hasn't even begun to sink in that there's finally hope for me. I'm. in. disbelief.
Yesterday I had my annual physical & they told me my bloodwork would be back in a week. This evening I had a message on my home voice mail saying that the doctor wants to recheck some of my bloodwork. Seriously, would the universe finally give me hope & then have something serious come up for me health-wise? Since it had only been 24 hours, my mom is trying to convince me that there was just a lab mixup & maybe they need more blood or something like that. Now I'm freaking out over the supplements I took for four months. God, please let it be nothing serious.
Hugs to you all,
An overwhelmed T.
Friday, October 29, 2010
D6 Report
Last night I dreamt that I had an awesome D6 report, which turned out to be a great harbinger of things to come. I was hoping for three blasts and that at least one would be a D5 blast since my only blast last cycle was a D6. Well, I have not one, not two, not three, but FOUR D5 blasts!! It has been several hours since John gave me the news and I still cannot believe it. The blasts were rated 5AA, 4AA, 3AB, and 3BB. I know that finding a normal in this batch is still a big hurdle given my history, but I'm extremely grateful that this time I have a fighting chance.
Thank you for all of your good thoughts! I don't know what I would do without you ladies.
T.
Thank you for all of your good thoughts! I don't know what I would do without you ladies.
T.
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
Tick Tock
Seriously, it's only TUESDAY?? The last few days have felt like an enternity despite my being very busy trying to catch up on everything both at work and at home. With my last cycle, I insisted on a D3 report from CCRM's lab. The report couldn't have been any better yet only one embryo made it to blast. Today was D3 and a part of me wanted to call the lab to ask for a progress report; however, I resisted since I figured a glowing report wouldn't reassure me in the least anyway and a disappointing report would only upset me. I'm just so friggin' sick of waiting. I feel like it's all I've done since the day I started TTC. Wait, wait, wait, & hope. Hope that this time will be different. Please let it be different.
Approx. 60 hours to go. My boss is letting me take Friday off even though it's the last business day of the month, which is usually a big no no. To try to keep myself sane, I'm going to work on cleaning out my closets while I wait for the D6 call.
T.
Approx. 60 hours to go. My boss is letting me take Friday off even though it's the last business day of the month, which is usually a big no no. To try to keep myself sane, I'm going to work on cleaning out my closets while I wait for the D6 call.
T.
Sunday, October 24, 2010
Fertilization Report
The embryologist I spoke to after my retrieval said they would have my fertilization numbers by 8:00am. She promised to call me by 10:00am so that she could reach me before I boarded my flight. By 8:20 I couldn't stand the waiting & worrying so I called the lab. I was immediately transferred to John, the head embryologist. He's such a super nice guy! Here are my numbers:
12 eggs retrieved
9 mature
8 fertilized
The three immature eggs did not mature overnight so they won't be ICSI'd. I'm encouraged by the high fertilization rate. Last cycle it was about 70%, which is below CCRM's 80% average for ICSI. Since I'm using DS from a youngish guy, I was pretty surprised that my fertilization rate was below average. This time the fertilization rate is almost 90%...I hope that's a good sign that these eight eggs are better quality. This is the same number of eggs I had fertilize on D1 last cycle. I can only hope that a few more make it to blast this time to give me a fighting shot at finding a normal embryo. John said they would call on Friday with my D6 report. Whether my biopsies go to New Jersey or stay in-house depends upon which lab can get the results back faster. He said they can pretty much only do one patient per day at CCRM while the NJ lab can do a higher volume. My guess is that two weeks is a conservative estimate so hopefully my actual wait will be a bit shorter than that. At any rate, it should be much shorter than the five week wait I had this spring. I just hope there's one good embryo in this bunch.
Thanks for all of the good thoughts, ladies! The next 120 hours are going to go by very slowly.
Hugs,
T.
12 eggs retrieved
9 mature
8 fertilized
The three immature eggs did not mature overnight so they won't be ICSI'd. I'm encouraged by the high fertilization rate. Last cycle it was about 70%, which is below CCRM's 80% average for ICSI. Since I'm using DS from a youngish guy, I was pretty surprised that my fertilization rate was below average. This time the fertilization rate is almost 90%...I hope that's a good sign that these eight eggs are better quality. This is the same number of eggs I had fertilize on D1 last cycle. I can only hope that a few more make it to blast this time to give me a fighting shot at finding a normal embryo. John said they would call on Friday with my D6 report. Whether my biopsies go to New Jersey or stay in-house depends upon which lab can get the results back faster. He said they can pretty much only do one patient per day at CCRM while the NJ lab can do a higher volume. My guess is that two weeks is a conservative estimate so hopefully my actual wait will be a bit shorter than that. At any rate, it should be much shorter than the five week wait I had this spring. I just hope there's one good embryo in this bunch.
Thanks for all of the good thoughts, ladies! The next 120 hours are going to go by very slowly.
Hugs,
T.
Saturday, October 23, 2010
Sleepless in Denver
It's 11:45. I need to get up in less than six hours to head to the airport and I'm not even slightly drowsy. Since I quit taking Melatonin before starting stims, I didn't think to bring some along for post-retrieval.
Dr. Schoolcraft ended up doing my retrieval today. Since my left ovary loves to hide out behind my uterus, I was hoping that either Dr. Surrey or Dr. Schoolcraft would do my retrieval since they have the most experience. Dr. Schoolcraft never came in to say hello before or after my retrieval. It's kind of strange to me that he poked a needle through my vaginal wall, but I've never spoken one word to the man, LOL. Then again, he's such a god in the infertility world that meeting him would have probably raised my alreadly elevated blood pressure so maybe it's just as well. I was the only retrieval today. My nurse, Jennifer, was an absolute doll and took exceptional care of me. With my cycle in May, the nurse told me how many eggs they got as soon as I woke up, but Jennifer wasn't told that vital piece of information. Since I worry about everything throughout this process, I freaked out a bit that the news was really crappy.
When I spoke to the embryologist, I requested that they perform D2 ICSI on any eggs that mature overnight. Last cycle my only D2 ICSI'd egg made it to the early blast stage so I definitely feel like D2 ICSI is worthwhile for me (personally, I think they should do it routinely on everyone). My IVF nurse said she thinks that my blasts (trying to be optimistic) will be tested in-house, which I've been told is about a two week wait for test results. For some reason she said that not all patients have in-house testing, but I didn't ask what the determining factor is. I meant to ask the embryologist if my testing would be done in-house, but I was still a bit groggy when she came in & I forgot so I'll have to ask her tomorrow.
I'd say 90%+ of me is relieved to know that this is my last cycle with my OE. I know that many of you have cycled many more times than I have and I'm absolutely amazed at your fortitude. It felt liberating to throw away my Follistim pen on Thursday night after my trigger. On Friday I did have a few moments when it hurt to realize that this truly is the last shot with my OE. I'm an only child so I don't have any nieces or nephews to carry on my family's genetics and that does hurt. In total I've produced 25 eggs at CCRM. If 25 eggs doesn't get the job done, I think it's incredibly doubtful another cycle would do the trick. Plus, I'm just done emotionally and physically. Sure, there's a part of me that wants this cycle to succeed so that my baby will have my genetics, but that has become so much less important to me than just being a mom. I truly do believe that the universe will give me the child I'm meant to have.
Tonight we went to The Cheesecake Factory for dinner & then to Coldstone for ice cream (my stomach wasn't quite up for cheesecake although their new peanut butter cup cheesecake looked really yummy). I wanted to go to The Grand Lux for dinner (it's owned by the same company as TCF & they make many of their desserts during your meal...the chocolate molten cake is extraordinary & I'm not even a chocolate nut). However, we went to the Grand Lux after my retrieval this spring so, just in case it was my post-retrieval meal that screwed up that cycle, I refused to tempt fate and eat there again. I don't think I mentioned that while walking my dogs on the day I left Dallas for Denver, I found a penny that was heads up. It got tucked into a special place in my wallet. I then found 50 cents at the airport & was seated in Row 7 on my flight. Since I had 13 eggs last cycle and we all know how that turned out, I'm hoping lady luck will be on my side this cycle. Silly, I know.
I'm still not sleepy, but since I have to drive to the airport bright and early, I'd better try to at least rest a bit. I can't wait to get back home. I've missed my dad, my friends, and my pooches so much (the latter most of all, but don't tell anybody!).
Goodnight, ladies.
T.
Dr. Schoolcraft ended up doing my retrieval today. Since my left ovary loves to hide out behind my uterus, I was hoping that either Dr. Surrey or Dr. Schoolcraft would do my retrieval since they have the most experience. Dr. Schoolcraft never came in to say hello before or after my retrieval. It's kind of strange to me that he poked a needle through my vaginal wall, but I've never spoken one word to the man, LOL. Then again, he's such a god in the infertility world that meeting him would have probably raised my alreadly elevated blood pressure so maybe it's just as well. I was the only retrieval today. My nurse, Jennifer, was an absolute doll and took exceptional care of me. With my cycle in May, the nurse told me how many eggs they got as soon as I woke up, but Jennifer wasn't told that vital piece of information. Since I worry about everything throughout this process, I freaked out a bit that the news was really crappy.
When I spoke to the embryologist, I requested that they perform D2 ICSI on any eggs that mature overnight. Last cycle my only D2 ICSI'd egg made it to the early blast stage so I definitely feel like D2 ICSI is worthwhile for me (personally, I think they should do it routinely on everyone). My IVF nurse said she thinks that my blasts (trying to be optimistic) will be tested in-house, which I've been told is about a two week wait for test results. For some reason she said that not all patients have in-house testing, but I didn't ask what the determining factor is. I meant to ask the embryologist if my testing would be done in-house, but I was still a bit groggy when she came in & I forgot so I'll have to ask her tomorrow.
I'd say 90%+ of me is relieved to know that this is my last cycle with my OE. I know that many of you have cycled many more times than I have and I'm absolutely amazed at your fortitude. It felt liberating to throw away my Follistim pen on Thursday night after my trigger. On Friday I did have a few moments when it hurt to realize that this truly is the last shot with my OE. I'm an only child so I don't have any nieces or nephews to carry on my family's genetics and that does hurt. In total I've produced 25 eggs at CCRM. If 25 eggs doesn't get the job done, I think it's incredibly doubtful another cycle would do the trick. Plus, I'm just done emotionally and physically. Sure, there's a part of me that wants this cycle to succeed so that my baby will have my genetics, but that has become so much less important to me than just being a mom. I truly do believe that the universe will give me the child I'm meant to have.
Tonight we went to The Cheesecake Factory for dinner & then to Coldstone for ice cream (my stomach wasn't quite up for cheesecake although their new peanut butter cup cheesecake looked really yummy). I wanted to go to The Grand Lux for dinner (it's owned by the same company as TCF & they make many of their desserts during your meal...the chocolate molten cake is extraordinary & I'm not even a chocolate nut). However, we went to the Grand Lux after my retrieval this spring so, just in case it was my post-retrieval meal that screwed up that cycle, I refused to tempt fate and eat there again. I don't think I mentioned that while walking my dogs on the day I left Dallas for Denver, I found a penny that was heads up. It got tucked into a special place in my wallet. I then found 50 cents at the airport & was seated in Row 7 on my flight. Since I had 13 eggs last cycle and we all know how that turned out, I'm hoping lady luck will be on my side this cycle. Silly, I know.
I'm still not sleepy, but since I have to drive to the airport bright and early, I'd better try to at least rest a bit. I can't wait to get back home. I've missed my dad, my friends, and my pooches so much (the latter most of all, but don't tell anybody!).
Goodnight, ladies.
T.
Out of my hands now
ER went well. They retrieved a dozen eggs, which is slightly fewer than expected, but more in line with my E2 so I'm happy. The nurse said that at my last blood draw, my E2 went from 2,000 to 3,900 so that made me feel a bit more optimistic. My flight is at 10:30 tomorrow morning and the embryologist promised to call me before 10:00 with my fertilization report. Other than a slight bit of queasiness that comes & goes, I feel pretty good. I'll write more about how I'm feeling emotionally later, but wanted y'all to know how things went. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for all of your support. It has meant the world to me.
Lots of love,
T.
Lots of love,
T.
Thursday, October 21, 2010
Discouraged
My E2 only increased by 225 today. I just don't know what to make of this because with my two previous IVF cycles, I had a nice E2 increase the day of trigger. This morning my nurse said she expected a really nice jump in my E2 based on my follicle growth & my history so I was quite shocked when she called this evening. On my left ovary, eight of the nine follicles are at least 15mm. On my right ovary, only three of the eight follicles are 15mm or greater with several measuring 13-14mm so those have an outside shot at being mature. For 11 mature follicles, an E2 of 2,000 is about right so hopefully I'll still get a good number of mature follicles. I read last night that poor E2 rise the last four days of stims isn't a good sign. I guess overall my E2 tripled the last four days, but I'm very concerned with the crappy increases the past two days. I trigger at 9:30 tonight & my retrieval will be 8:30MT on Saturday morning.
T.
T.
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
Feeling like the wheels are coming off...
At my ultrasound this morning, I was thrilled to see that the follicles on my right ovary had a nice growth spurt since yesterday. Yesterday, the lady that scanned me estimated that I'd have 3-6 follicles from the right ovary and today she estimated 6-8 (same person both days). With such a great growth spurt in 24 hours, I assumed my E2 would take a nice jump, but it only rose by 20%. My E2 last cycle was 2,700 on trigger day & I ended up with 11 mature follicles. Right now my E2 is 1,825 and they're estimating I'll have 12-15 follicles > 15mm, which makes me wonder how many are going to be mature. It seems like most sites say that E2 should be 200/follicle although a few say 150/follicle. Either way, I need my E2 to take a nice jump tomorrow. It's my understanding that if E2 doubles every 48 hours, it's a positive sign for egg quality so I'm really bothered by this marginal increase. It just doesn't take much for me to start losing hope for a better outcome.
After my counseling session yesterday, I went to the receptionist to pay for the session. She told me there was no charge since this was something they required me to do. Just now I noticed a $300 charge on my credit card. For those of you doing DE, were you charged $300 for your counseling session?
I was feeling really run down today so we ended up staying here today. We went to see RED, which was a big disappointment. Tonight my throat started hurting a little bit. I really hope I'm not coming down with a cold right before my retrieval.
The only good news today is that the nurse seems to think Dr. Surrey will be doing retrievals on Saturday. Since he's my doctor & he did my last retrieval, I feel more comfortable with him doing this retrieval too.
T.
After my counseling session yesterday, I went to the receptionist to pay for the session. She told me there was no charge since this was something they required me to do. Just now I noticed a $300 charge on my credit card. For those of you doing DE, were you charged $300 for your counseling session?
I was feeling really run down today so we ended up staying here today. We went to see RED, which was a big disappointment. Tonight my throat started hurting a little bit. I really hope I'm not coming down with a cold right before my retrieval.
The only good news today is that the nurse seems to think Dr. Surrey will be doing retrievals on Saturday. Since he's my doctor & he did my last retrieval, I feel more comfortable with him doing this retrieval too.
T.
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
Slowly, but surely...
my little turtle follicles are crawling to the finish line. Today is stim day 11. My E2 doubled again over the last 48 hours and it looks like I have a shot at up to 15 mature eggs before it's all said and done (I think at least one is going to be too mature). No matter what happens, I know that CCRM has given me the very best shot at success with my OE. Before CCRM, I never dreamed I'd get 10+ eggs in a cycle.
It looks like I'll be stimming another two days and that my retrieval will be on Saturday. Excluding the cost of the additional medication, It's going to cost an extra $500 or so to be here an extra day (including changing our airline tickets), but it is what it is.
I had a second acupuncture session this afternoon and I plan to go again on Thursday. Since the follicles on my right side are a little behind those on the left side, the acupuncturist only did electrical stimulation on the right side today. I hope it gives the follicles on the right side the little extra push to make it to 15mm by Thursday.
I had a good session with the CCRM counselor today to discuss DE. I was really happy to find out that there were so many books geared for children of various ages that discuss DE. I think my only worry about DE is that it will take me a long time to find a suitable donor although I've decided to be flexible about hair color since I don't want to limit myself to only a handful of donors (I'm a redhead).
I've done so much shopping since I've been here that I'm going to have to ship some stuff home. I found some great deals at Macy's today and I had a coupon for an additional 20% off so I just couldn't pass any of it up. I'd been putting off buying winter clothes until I was here since I knew it would help me to fill up my days, but I can't recall a time when I've had this much luck shopping. It's been a lot of fun.
Tomorrow we're planning on going to The Garden of the Gods and Manitou Springs.
T.
It looks like I'll be stimming another two days and that my retrieval will be on Saturday. Excluding the cost of the additional medication, It's going to cost an extra $500 or so to be here an extra day (including changing our airline tickets), but it is what it is.
I had a second acupuncture session this afternoon and I plan to go again on Thursday. Since the follicles on my right side are a little behind those on the left side, the acupuncturist only did electrical stimulation on the right side today. I hope it gives the follicles on the right side the little extra push to make it to 15mm by Thursday.
I had a good session with the CCRM counselor today to discuss DE. I was really happy to find out that there were so many books geared for children of various ages that discuss DE. I think my only worry about DE is that it will take me a long time to find a suitable donor although I've decided to be flexible about hair color since I don't want to limit myself to only a handful of donors (I'm a redhead).
I've done so much shopping since I've been here that I'm going to have to ship some stuff home. I found some great deals at Macy's today and I had a coupon for an additional 20% off so I just couldn't pass any of it up. I'd been putting off buying winter clothes until I was here since I knew it would help me to fill up my days, but I can't recall a time when I've had this much luck shopping. It's been a lot of fun.
Tomorrow we're planning on going to The Garden of the Gods and Manitou Springs.
T.
Saturday, October 16, 2010
Progressing Slowly
Well, it turns out that what my local RE's office saw at my baseline ultrasound was a small cyst, and not a follicle, on my right ovary. Fortunately, the cyst had shrunk by my first ultrasound at CCRM and it hasn't seemed to negatively impact my cycle. Last cycle Dr. Surrey called my follicles "a pack of turtles". My turtle follicles got off to an even slower start this cycle (my Estrogen after three days of stims was only 60 compared to 86 last cycle), which had me very distressed earlier this week. Fortunately, things have started progressing since they bumped up my Follistim and my Estrogen is now at 780. I have one follicle at 1.6cm and eight or so bunched between 1.0cm and 1.2cm along with a few smaller ones. Unlike last cycle, my Estrogen has at least doubled every 48 hours, which I've been told is an encouraging sign. Last cycle Dr. Surrey wasn't happy with my Estrogen rise midway through the cycle so he increased my Menopur dosage & decreased my Follistim dosage. Since I've read online that some doctors feel that Menopur can negatively impact egg quality, I'm relieved that we haven't had to increase my Menopur this cycle. I just hope that less Menopur and all of the supplements I've taken since June will somehow equal the golden embryo I've been searching for. I think I'm looking at a Friday retrieval. Anyone know which doctor does retrievals on Fridays?
On the Plan C front, on Thursday I met with one of the donor egg nurses. She said they did a lot of recruiting for donors at the first part of the college semester so there should be a good number of donors available very soon. I felt very comforted after meeting with the DE nurse. I'm so grateful that I have the option to do DE if this hail mary cycle doesn't work out. On Tuesday I'm meeting with the therapist that I met with at my ODWU. Since I'm using DS, I've already done a lot of research on how best to tell my future child about how he/she was created so, in that sense, moving onto DE is easier for me. In my head, I've planned out a book I'm going to write for my child to explain how he/she was created so, if DE is my future, I'll have to revise the story plan a little bit. This morning I filled out the form listing my physical preferences for my egg donor. Once CCRM has this form, a picture of me in my twenties, and a $2,500 deposit, I'll have access to the donor database. Since the deposit is refundable, I plan on moving forward with finding a donor as soon as possible since there will be a good number of donors made available very soon.
Cassie (Try Try Again blog) has always raved about 3 Margaritas so my mom & I went there for dinner the other night. It was hands down the best Mexican food I've had outside of the state of Texas. I usually don't even bother eating Mexican when I'm not at home because the salsa always tastes like picante sauce to me, but 3 Margarita's salsa had a nice kick to it. A few days ago we went to Blackhawk and I won some money at the casino, which was nice until I remembered that I'd have to do communicables, which wiped out my winnings & then some. We've also done quite a bit of clothes shopping and I found some really nice things for work. Today we went to Boulder, which is such a cool city. One of the ladies in my single moms group is trying to relocate to Boulder and now I can definitely see why. Tomorrow we're going to take a tour of the Coors brewery and I have tickets for the Mint on Thursday.
My mom's surgery to remove the tumor in her leg is set for November 22nd, which is the Monday before Thanksgiving. We'll all be very relieved when that's behind her.
T.
On the Plan C front, on Thursday I met with one of the donor egg nurses. She said they did a lot of recruiting for donors at the first part of the college semester so there should be a good number of donors available very soon. I felt very comforted after meeting with the DE nurse. I'm so grateful that I have the option to do DE if this hail mary cycle doesn't work out. On Tuesday I'm meeting with the therapist that I met with at my ODWU. Since I'm using DS, I've already done a lot of research on how best to tell my future child about how he/she was created so, in that sense, moving onto DE is easier for me. In my head, I've planned out a book I'm going to write for my child to explain how he/she was created so, if DE is my future, I'll have to revise the story plan a little bit. This morning I filled out the form listing my physical preferences for my egg donor. Once CCRM has this form, a picture of me in my twenties, and a $2,500 deposit, I'll have access to the donor database. Since the deposit is refundable, I plan on moving forward with finding a donor as soon as possible since there will be a good number of donors made available very soon.
Cassie (Try Try Again blog) has always raved about 3 Margaritas so my mom & I went there for dinner the other night. It was hands down the best Mexican food I've had outside of the state of Texas. I usually don't even bother eating Mexican when I'm not at home because the salsa always tastes like picante sauce to me, but 3 Margarita's salsa had a nice kick to it. A few days ago we went to Blackhawk and I won some money at the casino, which was nice until I remembered that I'd have to do communicables, which wiped out my winnings & then some. We've also done quite a bit of clothes shopping and I found some really nice things for work. Today we went to Boulder, which is such a cool city. One of the ladies in my single moms group is trying to relocate to Boulder and now I can definitely see why. Tomorrow we're going to take a tour of the Coors brewery and I have tickets for the Mint on Thursday.
My mom's surgery to remove the tumor in her leg is set for November 22nd, which is the Monday before Thanksgiving. We'll all be very relieved when that's behind her.
T.
Monday, October 11, 2010
Nervous
I think the first rule of infertility is that there must always be something to worry about. At my ultrasound on Saturday, I had what the technician believes to be a follicle that measured 10.8mm. In the many baseline ultrasounds I've had, I've never had a follicle >7mm so I'm confused as to why I've got one that's so big on CD2. My hormone levels looked fine so Dr. Surrey let me start stims on Saturday night. I'll have my first stim check tomorrow and I'm nervous that my little overachiever follicle is going to be huge & cause a problem for my cycle. Anyone have any experience with something like this?
Oh, and zen me has apparently left the building. There was a giant cluster about getting same day blood results on Saturday and I burst into tears not once, but twice because of the stress. I NEVER do that.
T.
Oh, and zen me has apparently left the building. There was a giant cluster about getting same day blood results on Saturday and I burst into tears not once, but twice because of the stress. I NEVER do that.
T.
Friday, October 8, 2010
Quick Update
My baseline ultrasound is tomorrow. The last couple of days I've felt some soreness in my ovaries, especially on the right side; however, I had soreness in May and I was cyst free so I'm trying not to freak out. Please please please let there be no cysts tomorrow.
T.
T.
Monday, October 4, 2010
Fried Chocolate
I went to the Texas State Fair yesterday. I easily skipped the fried beer, fried lemonade, fried frito pie (inexplicably, an award winner for best tasting item), and fried PB&J sandwiches, but I did sample the fried chocolate and, oh my, was it very gooooood! I also stood in line for a good 30 minutes for a Fletcher's corny dog so I definitely had my quota of fried foods for awhile. It was the first time I'd been to the fair in probably five years. Seeing all of the excited kids, I couldn't help but think about how badly I want to someday take my own child to these types of events. Hopefully someday.
I started Estrace yesterday and added Cetrotide this evening. It's funny because even though this is my third IVF, this afternoon I found myself feeling a bit anxious about having to do an injection this evening. It went fine, of course. My nurse expects AF to arrive on Thursday and I'm scheduled for my baseline ultrasound & bloodwork on Friday. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to do if AF doesn't arrive on Thursday so I e-mailed my nurse this afternoon & I'm waiting on her reply. I just wish that the day after my scheduled ultrasound wasn't the weekend as I'm worried I won't be able to get in when I need to be seen. Hopefully this will all be a moot point and AF will cooperate for once, but it all has me pretty anxious.
I've had a couple bouts of anxiety over my upcoming cycle (mostly when I did my budget), but except for worrying about the timing of things, I've been surprisingly calm. It really doesn't feel real yet & part of that may be that last time I was canceled three times so a part of me expects something to come along and mess everything up. I really am usually a glass half full gal, but not when it comes to infertility.
In other news, after a bunch of stops & starts, I've finally managed to stick to my diet for six weeks straight & I've lost about 75% of the weight I gained during & after my cycle last spring. I was hoping to lose all of it, but at least I'm finally seeing the numbers on the scale getting smaller rather than bigger!
There's some stuff going on at work & I'm not sure how it's all going to shake out, but I'm hoping eventually it will lead to a new position. I'm really ready for a change after being in the same role for five years, especially since the role at this new company is very watered down compared to how challenging the role used to be. I finally decided that I can't keep putting every aspect of my life on hold in case I get pregnant. Feeling like my career has stagnated the last three years has been bothering me a lot so I'm really hoping that something exciting & new will come along soon.
Thinking of you all.
T.
I started Estrace yesterday and added Cetrotide this evening. It's funny because even though this is my third IVF, this afternoon I found myself feeling a bit anxious about having to do an injection this evening. It went fine, of course. My nurse expects AF to arrive on Thursday and I'm scheduled for my baseline ultrasound & bloodwork on Friday. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to do if AF doesn't arrive on Thursday so I e-mailed my nurse this afternoon & I'm waiting on her reply. I just wish that the day after my scheduled ultrasound wasn't the weekend as I'm worried I won't be able to get in when I need to be seen. Hopefully this will all be a moot point and AF will cooperate for once, but it all has me pretty anxious.
I've had a couple bouts of anxiety over my upcoming cycle (mostly when I did my budget), but except for worrying about the timing of things, I've been surprisingly calm. It really doesn't feel real yet & part of that may be that last time I was canceled three times so a part of me expects something to come along and mess everything up. I really am usually a glass half full gal, but not when it comes to infertility.
In other news, after a bunch of stops & starts, I've finally managed to stick to my diet for six weeks straight & I've lost about 75% of the weight I gained during & after my cycle last spring. I was hoping to lose all of it, but at least I'm finally seeing the numbers on the scale getting smaller rather than bigger!
There's some stuff going on at work & I'm not sure how it's all going to shake out, but I'm hoping eventually it will lead to a new position. I'm really ready for a change after being in the same role for five years, especially since the role at this new company is very watered down compared to how challenging the role used to be. I finally decided that I can't keep putting every aspect of my life on hold in case I get pregnant. Feeling like my career has stagnated the last three years has been bothering me a lot so I'm really hoping that something exciting & new will come along soon.
Thinking of you all.
T.
Thursday, September 23, 2010
One Hurdle Cleared
This morning I got a smiley face on my digital OPK!! Based on my history, this is another good sign that I'm cyst free right now. Pretty please let everything that's supposed to dissolve this month do so. Due to the way my cycle dates are falling, I'm not scheduled to take any extra days of Estrace like I did last cycle. I'm a bit worried about my menses arriving on time since my calendar has it arriving 2-3 days before it'll be due. My nurse indicated that the Estrace/Cetrotide should bring it on early so hopefully that will be the case. I think I'll go ahead and book my air travel this weekend if the rates are reasonable and hope for the best. Since I stimmed an extra two days last time, I'm going to book my ticket for an extra two days. I figure I can always find something to do in Denver if I happen to stim faster this time.
I found out today that I may have to go to Montreal for work in early November. The only thing I could think about was the possibility that I'll get my Microarray results while I'm out of town. I had planned on asking Dr. Surrey to call me with my results in the evening when I could be at home. If I'm in Montreal, I'm sure I'll be expected to socialize after work. Crap. I guess I need to cross this bridge when I come to it since it's still a long ways off.
I twisted my ankle last night while walking my dogs and I fell hard on my right hand. I don't think anything is broken, but it's swollen & really hurts when I have to grip or squeeze anything. I also have a lovely scrape on my leg. I'm so darn graceful sometimes, LOL.
Thinking of you all.
T.
I found out today that I may have to go to Montreal for work in early November. The only thing I could think about was the possibility that I'll get my Microarray results while I'm out of town. I had planned on asking Dr. Surrey to call me with my results in the evening when I could be at home. If I'm in Montreal, I'm sure I'll be expected to socialize after work. Crap. I guess I need to cross this bridge when I come to it since it's still a long ways off.
I twisted my ankle last night while walking my dogs and I fell hard on my right hand. I don't think anything is broken, but it's swollen & really hurts when I have to grip or squeeze anything. I also have a lovely scrape on my leg. I'm so darn graceful sometimes, LOL.
Thinking of you all.
T.
Monday, September 20, 2010
Taking Deep Breaths
The bill from CCRM for my upcoming cycle came in the mail today and my anxiety level immediately shot through the roof. If I wasn't TTC, I'd have bought a new car several years ago. Instead, I've kept my old car & sunk a pretty penny into repairs. I know it's just a matter of time before something else major goes wrong with it. I've just been afraid to take on the debt of a new car until I have a pregnancy that looks like it's going to stick. For my own peace of mind, I want to maintain all of the financial flexibility I can just in case I'm one of the really unlucky patients that doesn't succeed on my first DE cycle, especially since I don't feel all that secure in my job (there were layoffs last week). I hate that I'm so paranoid, but I can't help it given all the crap that's happened over the last three years. It was so much easier to plunk down the $25K last cycle when Dr. Surrey basically gave me a 50% chance of succeeding. I keep telling myself that in the long-run $25K isn't going to change my life. I know I need this one more chance with my OE for closure, but dang it's a lot of money.
Please let this work.
T.
Please let this work.
T.
Sunday, September 19, 2010
I'm One Month...
from my tentative retrieval date of October 19th. I'm having trouble wrapping my head around the fact that this is really it with my own eggs. After spending a small fortune on medical bills (I think I'm closing in on $90K or so), going to endless doctor and acupuncture appointments, and worrying myself sick for three years over something that I cannot control (my egg quality), I'm very close to the end of this part of my journey. Wow...just freaking wow. Doesn't. seem. possible.
I think what I'm most afraid of with this last OE IVF is coping with another disappointment. The past four weeks or so I've finally gotten over my devastation at the failure of my first CCRM IVF. Now that I'm feeling better, it has made me realize how desperately sad I was most of the summer. I don't want to go back to that. I really think I'm more prepared for bad news this time, but I'm still really dreading the thought of grieving another disappointment and waiting even longer to realize my dreams.
AF arrived on schedule last weekend. I'll start checking for my LH surge tomorrow. Since my first sign of a cyst has always been a short cycle, I'm cautiously optimistic that all is ok for now. I need to get this IVF over with so that my mom can have her surgery ASAP so, just this once, I really need things to go on schedule.
In non-fertility news, I've decided to refinance my house so I've been busy this last week pulling all of my financial information together. My payment will drop by $100-150 per month and I'll shave 8 years off the term. If I only have one child, there's a good chance I'll stay in my house for a very long time & I really like the idea of having it paid off before my child starts college. If I have more than one child (something that's less & less likely as the days go by), I'll likely move into something bigger down the road, but I'm sure it'll be more than two years out, which is my refinance breakeven point.
Have a fabulous week, ladies!
T.
I think what I'm most afraid of with this last OE IVF is coping with another disappointment. The past four weeks or so I've finally gotten over my devastation at the failure of my first CCRM IVF. Now that I'm feeling better, it has made me realize how desperately sad I was most of the summer. I don't want to go back to that. I really think I'm more prepared for bad news this time, but I'm still really dreading the thought of grieving another disappointment and waiting even longer to realize my dreams.
AF arrived on schedule last weekend. I'll start checking for my LH surge tomorrow. Since my first sign of a cyst has always been a short cycle, I'm cautiously optimistic that all is ok for now. I need to get this IVF over with so that my mom can have her surgery ASAP so, just this once, I really need things to go on schedule.
In non-fertility news, I've decided to refinance my house so I've been busy this last week pulling all of my financial information together. My payment will drop by $100-150 per month and I'll shave 8 years off the term. If I only have one child, there's a good chance I'll stay in my house for a very long time & I really like the idea of having it paid off before my child starts college. If I have more than one child (something that's less & less likely as the days go by), I'll likely move into something bigger down the road, but I'm sure it'll be more than two years out, which is my refinance breakeven point.
Have a fabulous week, ladies!
T.
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
Last Year...
I was pregnant. My betas were on the low side, but they were consistently doubling so there was a glimmer of hope. I recall googling "low, but doubling betas" obsessively for days and I managed to find a few stories like mine that turned out well. That was all I needed to convince myself that I was going to have a happy ending. It didn't happen, of course. I would have given anything and everything to have brought my baby into this world. It's strange, in someways September 2009 seems like a lifetime ago as so much has happened in my life this last year (ODWU, three canceled cycles, failed cycle, new employer due to acquisition, my parents' move, my mom's health issues), but on an emotional level, at times it feels like it all happened yesterday. I'll never, ever forget you or stop loving you, sweetheart.
My D&C tissue tested 46XX. Was I carrying a chromosomally normal baby girl or did they test my tissue? If it was the baby's tissue, what went wrong?? Did I do something? When it comes to IF, I force myself to not think about "what if" as I know it can't lead anywhere healthy; however, last night I couldn't help myself from wondering what if I had cycled at CCRM last summer rather than at my local clinic. I'd briefly considered jumping straight to CCRM for my first IVF, but it seemed like over-kill because, on paper, I looked like a perfect candidate for IVF success. Maybe it wouldn't have mattered. I'll never know just as I'll never know what went wrong last September.
I ordered the medication for my cycle today. I'm so much calmer about this cycle than I've ever been in the past. I'm not sure if it's because I'm not terribly optimistic about this cycle (although I'm not without hope completely like I thought I was) or if it's because I'm just ready to be a mom and how I achieve that has become a whole lot less important to me than it used to be.
Thanks so much for reading.
T.
My D&C tissue tested 46XX. Was I carrying a chromosomally normal baby girl or did they test my tissue? If it was the baby's tissue, what went wrong?? Did I do something? When it comes to IF, I force myself to not think about "what if" as I know it can't lead anywhere healthy; however, last night I couldn't help myself from wondering what if I had cycled at CCRM last summer rather than at my local clinic. I'd briefly considered jumping straight to CCRM for my first IVF, but it seemed like over-kill because, on paper, I looked like a perfect candidate for IVF success. Maybe it wouldn't have mattered. I'll never know just as I'll never know what went wrong last September.
I ordered the medication for my cycle today. I'm so much calmer about this cycle than I've ever been in the past. I'm not sure if it's because I'm not terribly optimistic about this cycle (although I'm not without hope completely like I thought I was) or if it's because I'm just ready to be a mom and how I achieve that has become a whole lot less important to me than it used to be.
Thanks so much for reading.
T.
Sunday, September 5, 2010
I'm Still Alive...
I didn't intend to go four weeks between updates, but life has been very topsy-turvy for me. In the past month, my mom has had not one, but two cancer scares. She had surgery about ten days ago to remove a malignant spot on her face (fortunately, her doctor is very confident they got all of it). Unrelated to the malignancy on her face, the doctors have also found a tumor in her left leg that they're calling "pre-cancerous". Two different doctors have told her that she needs to have surgery to remove this tumor within the next six months. My mom has Type II Diabetes so I'm really concerned about how well she's going to heal after the surgery, especially since the tumor is in the shin part of her leg where there's not a lot of blood flow. I tend to have pretty good intuition and I have this bad feeling that I just can't shake. I'm an only child and I am very, very close to my mom. I can't even think about anything happening to her. Needless to say, all of this has helped put IF into perspective for me.
I really want my mom to have her surgery sooner rather than later just in case the tumor becomes malignant, but my mom is insistent that I cycle in October as planned. I think right now my greatest fear isn't the cycle not working, but the cycle being delayed due to a cyst (my spring cycle was delayed three times due to cysts, but I'm hoping the DHEA I was taking was the culprit). The encouraging news is that my last cycle was normal length and I usually have very short cycles when I have a cyst. Please, just this once, can something fertility related go right for me?
On Friday my CCRM nurse sent me a tentative cycle calendar based on my expected AF date. My retrieval date will be around October 20th. Thank you to everyone for their input on my dilemma of whether or not to do Microarray testing again. I've decided to go ahead and do Microarray testing again... I just can't put myself or my family through another miscarriage right now. I felt a bit of anxiety on Friday when I got my calendar. I think it was the realization that this is my last shot with my OE.
T.
I really want my mom to have her surgery sooner rather than later just in case the tumor becomes malignant, but my mom is insistent that I cycle in October as planned. I think right now my greatest fear isn't the cycle not working, but the cycle being delayed due to a cyst (my spring cycle was delayed three times due to cysts, but I'm hoping the DHEA I was taking was the culprit). The encouraging news is that my last cycle was normal length and I usually have very short cycles when I have a cyst. Please, just this once, can something fertility related go right for me?
On Friday my CCRM nurse sent me a tentative cycle calendar based on my expected AF date. My retrieval date will be around October 20th. Thank you to everyone for their input on my dilemma of whether or not to do Microarray testing again. I've decided to go ahead and do Microarray testing again... I just can't put myself or my family through another miscarriage right now. I felt a bit of anxiety on Friday when I got my calendar. I think it was the realization that this is my last shot with my OE.
T.
Sunday, August 8, 2010
Thinking Out Loud
For the last week or so, I've been thinking more & more about skipping the CCS testing this time & simply doing a fresh transfer. I can't believe I even typed those words as I went to CCRM in the first place for their CCS testing. I swore I'd do ANYTHING, anything at all to avoid another miscarriage. Yet, right now, emotionally, I feel more optimistic with a fresh transfer.
Before CCRM, I did five IUIs & one IVF. On the two IUIs that I conceived, I only had two eggs (the other three IUIs that resulted in BFNs, I only had a single egg each time). On my local IVF cycle, I only had two embryos. So despite a grand total of nine eggs and even fewer embryos since they surely didn't all fertilize with my IUIs, I got pregnant three times. No wonder when I headed to Colorado, I fully expected to make a good percentage of blasts. I figured finding a normal might be a needle in a haystack situation. To this day, I still can't quite wrap my head around the fact that I had eight embryos that looked great on day three, but only one survived to blast (three made it to early blast, but were disintegrating). Dr. Surrey is of the opinion that if an embryo doesn't make it to blast in CCRM's lab, it wasn't competent. From what I've read, SIRM, which does their CCS testing on day three, has also found that those embryos that don't make it to blast were almost always chromosomally abnormal. I believe them, but I can't shake this feeling that just maybe my eggs do better inside of me and that my only slim hope is to do a day three transfer.
On the other hand, I do like the idea of having the stim meds out of my system before transfer, especially because of my history of biochemical pregnancies and my fibroid that seems to grow while I'm on stims. I suppose I could have them freeze everything on day three & then return for an FET, but that seems silly since the cost of the CCS testing isn't that much more than an FET. Plus, do I really want to go through all of the trouble of doing an FET if the embryos are abnormal (and may result in another miscarriage)?
Given the quality of my abnormal blast, Dr. Surrey felt like there was a good chance that if I'd done a fresh transfer, it would have implanted & resulted in another loss. He's of the opinion that we should do CCS testing if I'm going to cycle with my OE again. That's probably what I'll do, but I wish I felt certain I was doing the right thing.
In other news, my manager's boss asked her if I'd be interested in a new role she's creating. It's a process change driver role and, apparently, no one else is interested even though it's a promotion. I read the job description and the first qualification listed is 5-10 years with the company. I've only been with the company for six months (we were acquired) and 95% of what I've been doing has been the old company's processes & procedures so how the heck am I the right person to drive all of these changes when I don't have a clue about the current processes? They're obviously desperate. It wouldn't be so daunting expect that this is an unbelievably complicated organization, seriously, I've never seen anything like it & I've worked for really large companies in the past. Anyway, driving process changes isn't really my cup of tea & it's not my strongest skill. If it weren't for the IF stuff, I might suck it up & work a bazillion hours to hopefully win some brownie points since they're desperate, but I just can't deal with that type of stress right now. I may live to regret this decision since I'm not sure how much I'm going to be needed in my current role down the road (although, fortunately, the controller seems to really like me), but worst case I'll get a nice package since they'll recognize my years of service with the previous company. At times it really bothers me that my career has kind of stalled the past few years, but I've had so much support from my manager when it comes to my IF that I haven't wanted to give that up to find something better. Please let all of this be worth it someday.
T.
Before CCRM, I did five IUIs & one IVF. On the two IUIs that I conceived, I only had two eggs (the other three IUIs that resulted in BFNs, I only had a single egg each time). On my local IVF cycle, I only had two embryos. So despite a grand total of nine eggs and even fewer embryos since they surely didn't all fertilize with my IUIs, I got pregnant three times. No wonder when I headed to Colorado, I fully expected to make a good percentage of blasts. I figured finding a normal might be a needle in a haystack situation. To this day, I still can't quite wrap my head around the fact that I had eight embryos that looked great on day three, but only one survived to blast (three made it to early blast, but were disintegrating). Dr. Surrey is of the opinion that if an embryo doesn't make it to blast in CCRM's lab, it wasn't competent. From what I've read, SIRM, which does their CCS testing on day three, has also found that those embryos that don't make it to blast were almost always chromosomally abnormal. I believe them, but I can't shake this feeling that just maybe my eggs do better inside of me and that my only slim hope is to do a day three transfer.
On the other hand, I do like the idea of having the stim meds out of my system before transfer, especially because of my history of biochemical pregnancies and my fibroid that seems to grow while I'm on stims. I suppose I could have them freeze everything on day three & then return for an FET, but that seems silly since the cost of the CCS testing isn't that much more than an FET. Plus, do I really want to go through all of the trouble of doing an FET if the embryos are abnormal (and may result in another miscarriage)?
Given the quality of my abnormal blast, Dr. Surrey felt like there was a good chance that if I'd done a fresh transfer, it would have implanted & resulted in another loss. He's of the opinion that we should do CCS testing if I'm going to cycle with my OE again. That's probably what I'll do, but I wish I felt certain I was doing the right thing.
In other news, my manager's boss asked her if I'd be interested in a new role she's creating. It's a process change driver role and, apparently, no one else is interested even though it's a promotion. I read the job description and the first qualification listed is 5-10 years with the company. I've only been with the company for six months (we were acquired) and 95% of what I've been doing has been the old company's processes & procedures so how the heck am I the right person to drive all of these changes when I don't have a clue about the current processes? They're obviously desperate. It wouldn't be so daunting expect that this is an unbelievably complicated organization, seriously, I've never seen anything like it & I've worked for really large companies in the past. Anyway, driving process changes isn't really my cup of tea & it's not my strongest skill. If it weren't for the IF stuff, I might suck it up & work a bazillion hours to hopefully win some brownie points since they're desperate, but I just can't deal with that type of stress right now. I may live to regret this decision since I'm not sure how much I'm going to be needed in my current role down the road (although, fortunately, the controller seems to really like me), but worst case I'll get a nice package since they'll recognize my years of service with the previous company. At times it really bothers me that my career has kind of stalled the past few years, but I've had so much support from my manager when it comes to my IF that I haven't wanted to give that up to find something better. Please let all of this be worth it someday.
T.
Monday, August 2, 2010
Warning: Pity Party Ahead
You've been warned. :-)
I've been religiously reading everyone's blogs the past few weeks, but I haven't really felt like blogging. I think I haven't felt comfortable admitting that I'm still so freaking sad about how my cycle turned out. CCRM was my Plan B for a long time & I always believed 100% that they would be able to help me. I've heard this sentiment expressed by others, but failing at CCRM really does hurt a lot more than failing elsewhere. Even though I think I'm going to give it one more shot this fall, I'm definitely grieving the loss of having a child with my own genes because I honestly don't hold out much hope that the next time will be different. Oh sure, I'm taking the CCRM cocktail of supplements twice a day. I've also added royal jelly (I've finally figured out how to down it without gagging). I just don't want to get my hopes up that it will make a difference. I read on one of the message boards about a lady that received her Microarray results within two weeks of her retrieval (supposedly CCRM is no longer sending the biopsies to New Jersey?) and it occurred to me that I couldn't even get a break by getting my crappy news in a timely manner (I waited 6 weeks). Everything about my infertility journey has seemed to go that way. For the first time in almost three years of TTC, I even have moments where I wonder why I'm doing all of this. After all, being a mom is the hardest job in the world, not to mention that I'll be a single mom. Sometimes I wish I could stop wanting to be a mom so badly.
I'm afraid to step on the scale, but I know I put on weight both during my cycle & since I returned from Denver. Today, I decided enough is enough so I started counting W.W. points (it's always the easiest way for me to lose weight). My heart really isn't into losing this weight, but I know it's best in case I ever do conceive. I'll post my progress here as I think it will help to keep me accountable.
T.
P.S. I had the sweetest comment from a reader named Kara's mom. Your blog wasn't accessible for me, but I wanted to thank you for your comment & congratulate you on your twins!
I've been religiously reading everyone's blogs the past few weeks, but I haven't really felt like blogging. I think I haven't felt comfortable admitting that I'm still so freaking sad about how my cycle turned out. CCRM was my Plan B for a long time & I always believed 100% that they would be able to help me. I've heard this sentiment expressed by others, but failing at CCRM really does hurt a lot more than failing elsewhere. Even though I think I'm going to give it one more shot this fall, I'm definitely grieving the loss of having a child with my own genes because I honestly don't hold out much hope that the next time will be different. Oh sure, I'm taking the CCRM cocktail of supplements twice a day. I've also added royal jelly (I've finally figured out how to down it without gagging). I just don't want to get my hopes up that it will make a difference. I read on one of the message boards about a lady that received her Microarray results within two weeks of her retrieval (supposedly CCRM is no longer sending the biopsies to New Jersey?) and it occurred to me that I couldn't even get a break by getting my crappy news in a timely manner (I waited 6 weeks). Everything about my infertility journey has seemed to go that way. For the first time in almost three years of TTC, I even have moments where I wonder why I'm doing all of this. After all, being a mom is the hardest job in the world, not to mention that I'll be a single mom. Sometimes I wish I could stop wanting to be a mom so badly.
I'm afraid to step on the scale, but I know I put on weight both during my cycle & since I returned from Denver. Today, I decided enough is enough so I started counting W.W. points (it's always the easiest way for me to lose weight). My heart really isn't into losing this weight, but I know it's best in case I ever do conceive. I'll post my progress here as I think it will help to keep me accountable.
T.
P.S. I had the sweetest comment from a reader named Kara's mom. Your blog wasn't accessible for me, but I wanted to thank you for your comment & congratulate you on your twins!
Sunday, July 18, 2010
I Was Asked THAT Question
Yep, that one.
"Do you have any kids?"
It's amazing how five little words can hurt so badly. I went for a pedicure yesterday and the lady doing my pedicure asked me the kids question before I'd even gotten settled into the pedicure chair. It was the second question she asked me (the first being what color polish did I want). I'm used to people building up to the kids question (usually they first ask my marital status since I don't wear a wedding ring) so I was completely blindsided by the question. I blinked back tears and responded that no, I did not have any kids and asked her if she did. Apparently, she and hubby have been married for four years and have just started trying to conceive. Thankfully, I had brought a magazine along to read so I had an excuse not to continue chit chatting about having kids. She was a very sweet lady and I hope she conceives easily, but boy did that brief exchange hurt like hell.
It took me a really long time to decide to put becoming a mom ahead of finding Mr. Right (I certainly hope that I've just reversed the order and I'll find Mr. Right down the road). I've made peace with the fact that my life isn't going to be the way I always thought it'd be (marriage first...then two or three kids, each spaced three years apart and, of course, conceived the fun way). Besides the fact that this has been a really difficult week, I think the exchange hurt because it made me feel very alone.
On a lighter note, I went to see "Inception" today and it was incredible. I highly recommend it. I've decided that tomorrow is the day for me to clean up my diet for my upcoming IVF cycle (cutting out sodas & sugar, etc.) so I wanted a "last supper". We went to Grand Lux for dinner and then ordered their chocolate molten cake for dessert...soooo yummy!!
T.
"Do you have any kids?"
It's amazing how five little words can hurt so badly. I went for a pedicure yesterday and the lady doing my pedicure asked me the kids question before I'd even gotten settled into the pedicure chair. It was the second question she asked me (the first being what color polish did I want). I'm used to people building up to the kids question (usually they first ask my marital status since I don't wear a wedding ring) so I was completely blindsided by the question. I blinked back tears and responded that no, I did not have any kids and asked her if she did. Apparently, she and hubby have been married for four years and have just started trying to conceive. Thankfully, I had brought a magazine along to read so I had an excuse not to continue chit chatting about having kids. She was a very sweet lady and I hope she conceives easily, but boy did that brief exchange hurt like hell.
It took me a really long time to decide to put becoming a mom ahead of finding Mr. Right (I certainly hope that I've just reversed the order and I'll find Mr. Right down the road). I've made peace with the fact that my life isn't going to be the way I always thought it'd be (marriage first...then two or three kids, each spaced three years apart and, of course, conceived the fun way). Besides the fact that this has been a really difficult week, I think the exchange hurt because it made me feel very alone.
On a lighter note, I went to see "Inception" today and it was incredible. I highly recommend it. I've decided that tomorrow is the day for me to clean up my diet for my upcoming IVF cycle (cutting out sodas & sugar, etc.) so I wanted a "last supper". We went to Grand Lux for dinner and then ordered their chocolate molten cake for dessert...soooo yummy!!
T.
Friday, July 16, 2010
The Plan
I had a regroup with Dr. Surrey Friday morning. He was very, very sweet & comforting. I could tell that he was truly sorry that my cycle turned out the way it did. I told him that I'd been doing a lot of thinking over the last few days and that I didn't feel I was quite ready emotionally to give up on my own eggs. I told him that I realized the odds weren't in my favor, but that since this had been, in essence, my first IVF cycle, I felt like I wanted to stick to my original plan, which was to cycle at CCRM twice with my own eggs. I explained to him that I'm a big planner so even though I'm going to cycle with my OE, I'm already thinking ahead so I wanted to ask him a few questions about DE. Since I'm CMV-, Dr. Surrey was insistent that I choose an SD that was also CMV-, which greatly reduced my options. I was freaked out that I'd have the same issue with ED, but he explained that it's not a concern for ED like it is for SD (the technical explanation went way way over my head) & that they don't even test EDs for CMV. Whew, a huge weight lifted off my shoulders, ladies!! He assured me that I wouldn't need to repeat any of my testing before a DE cycle although I'll need to meet with the pyschiatrist again. I told him I'd prefer to do so in person so I'll take care of that when I'm in Denver in October. I previously met with the psychiatrist at my ODWU to discuss using DS. At the time, I was honestly a bit annoyed at having to have a session with her since I'd already been TTC for two years and had three losses, but I was pleasantly surprised that I got more out of the session than I'd expected. I also asked Dr. Surrey if I could speak to someone about the DE process so he had one of the DE nurses call me later in the afternoon (more on that later).
At one point during the conversation, Dr. Surrey remarked that he hoped I proved him wrong by being successful with this last OE cycle. It was a nice comment, but it did sting quite a bit because it was the first time any of my three REs hasn't been bullish about my chances for success. Dr. Surrey said that he'll keep me on EPP again since I stimmed "beautifully" last time. There is a part of me that wonders how I'd do on MDL since that was the original protocol he picked for me (we had to change to EPP after having to postpone my cycle three times due to cysts), but it's probably best to leave well enough alone since 13 eggs (11 of them mature) is more than I ever thought I'd get. He recommended I do Microarray testing again since he thinks if I had transferred my blast from this cycle, it likely would have implanted & resulted in another miscarriage. I'll do anything to avoid another miscarriage so I'd already decided that I was willing to spend the extra money for the testing. Plus, if by some miracle I am fortunate enough to find the golden egg, I really want to do the transfer without the stim meds in my system given that I've had two biochemical pregnancies. If I'm going to do an FET anyway, the testing isn't that much more expensive. For the last few weeks I've been taking the supplements that Dr. Schoolcraft has started recommending to his poor egg quality patients. Hopefully in the next month or so some of the ladies that have been taking the supplements will start cycling so that I can see if the supplements seem to make much of a difference (the story I've heard is that Dr. Schoolcraft had a 43 year old patient suddenly have a stellar cycle after taking a version of these supplements that's available in Europe).
Friday afternoon the DE nurse called. She was very nice & patient as I peppered her with questions. She said that while there aren't a lot of donors that have red hair, they do have them from time to time. She explained that a lot of donors don't want to cycle during the summer so the donor pool is smaller than normal right now. She said that once the fall semester starts for the local colleges, they'll be doing a lot of recruiting to get new egg donors so hopefully they'll have a few redheads in the bunch. If, when the time comes, there aren't any redheads that I like, she said they would be willing to call former EDs that had a cycle resulting in a successful pregnancy to see if they would be interested in donating again. I felt MUCH better after talking to the nurse because she really felt like I'd be able to find a donor I was happy with if/when I get to to that point. I realize that using a donor from an agency is a possibility, but that seems so much riskier to me. I don't like the idea of shelling out $4K to test a donor and have her end up with high FSH or something (when it comes to infertility, my glass is half empty).
There is definitely a big part of me that is tempted to jump straight to DE. The thought of having an 80% chance of success is very, very tempting. I really dread the thought of another Christmas season without even being pregnant yet. However, after talking to the nurse, it sounds like it would be later this fall before there would be any EDs that would work for me so I don't think cycling with my OE will delay a DE cycle by too much anyway. The nurse said she would send out a packet of information. I'm hoping it will have more information about the screening process.
In the mail today I received the report the GC prepared based on my visit with her before my retrieval. It was quite ironic to be reading about the likelihood of my child having my dad's asthma or my mom's glaucoma given what has transpired over the last few days. It didn't upset me though so that's real progress.
In non-fertility news, I'm getting out of the house tomorrow to shop for a new couch. It wasn't in my budget for this year to buy a new couch, but my dog had other ideas as she used to scratch the bottom of it when no one was paying attention to her. She finally seems to have outgrown that stage, but the couch now looks like crap. My family room isn't the easiest to decorate. I just happened to have a couch with a slight curve to it when I bought my house and this couch shape fits the room perfectly. I'm not sure how easy it's going to be to find something else that will work, but it'll do me good to have a fun project to focus on while I wait to cycle again this fall. Does anyone else now measure expenses in cycling terms (well, that couch costs the same as ICSIX2)?!
Have a great weekend, ladies! From the bottom of my heart, thank you SO much for all of the support this week. With your support & now that I have my plan set, I'm in a MUCH better place than I was on Monday. Onwards & upwards!
Hugs,
T.
At one point during the conversation, Dr. Surrey remarked that he hoped I proved him wrong by being successful with this last OE cycle. It was a nice comment, but it did sting quite a bit because it was the first time any of my three REs hasn't been bullish about my chances for success. Dr. Surrey said that he'll keep me on EPP again since I stimmed "beautifully" last time. There is a part of me that wonders how I'd do on MDL since that was the original protocol he picked for me (we had to change to EPP after having to postpone my cycle three times due to cysts), but it's probably best to leave well enough alone since 13 eggs (11 of them mature) is more than I ever thought I'd get. He recommended I do Microarray testing again since he thinks if I had transferred my blast from this cycle, it likely would have implanted & resulted in another miscarriage. I'll do anything to avoid another miscarriage so I'd already decided that I was willing to spend the extra money for the testing. Plus, if by some miracle I am fortunate enough to find the golden egg, I really want to do the transfer without the stim meds in my system given that I've had two biochemical pregnancies. If I'm going to do an FET anyway, the testing isn't that much more expensive. For the last few weeks I've been taking the supplements that Dr. Schoolcraft has started recommending to his poor egg quality patients. Hopefully in the next month or so some of the ladies that have been taking the supplements will start cycling so that I can see if the supplements seem to make much of a difference (the story I've heard is that Dr. Schoolcraft had a 43 year old patient suddenly have a stellar cycle after taking a version of these supplements that's available in Europe).
Friday afternoon the DE nurse called. She was very nice & patient as I peppered her with questions. She said that while there aren't a lot of donors that have red hair, they do have them from time to time. She explained that a lot of donors don't want to cycle during the summer so the donor pool is smaller than normal right now. She said that once the fall semester starts for the local colleges, they'll be doing a lot of recruiting to get new egg donors so hopefully they'll have a few redheads in the bunch. If, when the time comes, there aren't any redheads that I like, she said they would be willing to call former EDs that had a cycle resulting in a successful pregnancy to see if they would be interested in donating again. I felt MUCH better after talking to the nurse because she really felt like I'd be able to find a donor I was happy with if/when I get to to that point. I realize that using a donor from an agency is a possibility, but that seems so much riskier to me. I don't like the idea of shelling out $4K to test a donor and have her end up with high FSH or something (when it comes to infertility, my glass is half empty).
There is definitely a big part of me that is tempted to jump straight to DE. The thought of having an 80% chance of success is very, very tempting. I really dread the thought of another Christmas season without even being pregnant yet. However, after talking to the nurse, it sounds like it would be later this fall before there would be any EDs that would work for me so I don't think cycling with my OE will delay a DE cycle by too much anyway. The nurse said she would send out a packet of information. I'm hoping it will have more information about the screening process.
In the mail today I received the report the GC prepared based on my visit with her before my retrieval. It was quite ironic to be reading about the likelihood of my child having my dad's asthma or my mom's glaucoma given what has transpired over the last few days. It didn't upset me though so that's real progress.
In non-fertility news, I'm getting out of the house tomorrow to shop for a new couch. It wasn't in my budget for this year to buy a new couch, but my dog had other ideas as she used to scratch the bottom of it when no one was paying attention to her. She finally seems to have outgrown that stage, but the couch now looks like crap. My family room isn't the easiest to decorate. I just happened to have a couch with a slight curve to it when I bought my house and this couch shape fits the room perfectly. I'm not sure how easy it's going to be to find something else that will work, but it'll do me good to have a fun project to focus on while I wait to cycle again this fall. Does anyone else now measure expenses in cycling terms (well, that couch costs the same as ICSIX2)?!
Have a great weekend, ladies! From the bottom of my heart, thank you SO much for all of the support this week. With your support & now that I have my plan set, I'm in a MUCH better place than I was on Monday. Onwards & upwards!
Hugs,
T.
Thursday, July 15, 2010
Today
Today was a little bit better day. As you can imagine, I haven't been the most productive employee in the world this week unless you count staring off into space as productive. Fortunately for me, there's a lull right now after the end of the quarter so there hasn't been a lot of urgent matters for me to handle. This is the time of the quarter when I try to clean out my inbox and address all of those non-critical items that I rarely have time to handle. Today I forced myself to at least make a little dent in my inbox. It made me feel a tad better to at least do something productive. For a little while at least, if asked I would have said that I felt "ok" and that's real progress.
For the last five years I've been super lucky in that I've been able to work from home about 98% of the time. My company was acquired last year and the new company doesn't allow telecommuting, but I've been allowed to continue to telecommute until they could move me to the new company's offices. On Monday (the same day that I found out my Microarray results...I should have stayed in bed & turned off the phone!), the admin called to let me know that I would be moving to the new company's offices next week. You see, I'm a big time planner. I had it all planned out three years ago. I was going to have my baby and be able to see him/her anytime I wanted because I'd be working from home. I figured the working from home would make things easier while I was pregnant and, most importantly, after the baby came since I plan on breastfeeding. Obviously real life didn't pan out quite the way I had it worked out in my head.
When I decided to start TTC, I decided that I wasn't going to buy any baby stuff because I didn't want to jinx things (I have since bought a couple of things that I just couldn't pass up). I didn't think to tell my mom that I didn't want any baby stuff so the first time I saw her after I made my decision she brought me a little pacifier with a Longhorn on it (Texas is my alma mater). Today I happened to see that little pacifier in my drawer where I stuff a bunch of things that I rarely need. Yeah...ouch!
When Dr. Surrey called on Monday, he told me to call him later this week so that we could chat when I was more clearheaded. I'm going to try to reach him tomorrow. I'll let y'all know how it goes.
I'm sooo glad tomorrow is Friday!!
T.
For the last five years I've been super lucky in that I've been able to work from home about 98% of the time. My company was acquired last year and the new company doesn't allow telecommuting, but I've been allowed to continue to telecommute until they could move me to the new company's offices. On Monday (the same day that I found out my Microarray results...I should have stayed in bed & turned off the phone!), the admin called to let me know that I would be moving to the new company's offices next week. You see, I'm a big time planner. I had it all planned out three years ago. I was going to have my baby and be able to see him/her anytime I wanted because I'd be working from home. I figured the working from home would make things easier while I was pregnant and, most importantly, after the baby came since I plan on breastfeeding. Obviously real life didn't pan out quite the way I had it worked out in my head.
When I decided to start TTC, I decided that I wasn't going to buy any baby stuff because I didn't want to jinx things (I have since bought a couple of things that I just couldn't pass up). I didn't think to tell my mom that I didn't want any baby stuff so the first time I saw her after I made my decision she brought me a little pacifier with a Longhorn on it (Texas is my alma mater). Today I happened to see that little pacifier in my drawer where I stuff a bunch of things that I rarely need. Yeah...ouch!
When Dr. Surrey called on Monday, he told me to call him later this week so that we could chat when I was more clearheaded. I'm going to try to reach him tomorrow. I'll let y'all know how it goes.
I'm sooo glad tomorrow is Friday!!
T.
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
I Miss My Embryo
I woke up this morning feeling so empty. It made me realize how attached I'd become to my little embryo in Colorado. First there were 13 eggs, then 9 embryos, then 1 embryo, and now none. I'd always been such a poor responder that I honestly thought that 13 eggs would surely get the job done. Guess not. :-(
I've had a few crying jags over the last 24 hours. They don't last long though because my younger furbaby always comes running & insists that I pick her up. It's hard to cry with a sweet little shih tzu licking away your tears. She then looks at me likes she's trying to solve a really complex math problem, but she's just trying to figure out how to make me happy again.
Still debating what to do next. I don't know a lot about the whole DE process. If I do DE next, it will be important for me to have a donor with red hair. I wonder how hard that will be to find....
Thanks for reading.
T.
I've had a few crying jags over the last 24 hours. They don't last long though because my younger furbaby always comes running & insists that I pick her up. It's hard to cry with a sweet little shih tzu licking away your tears. She then looks at me likes she's trying to solve a really complex math problem, but she's just trying to figure out how to make me happy again.
Still debating what to do next. I don't know a lot about the whole DE process. If I do DE next, it will be important for me to have a donor with red hair. I wonder how hard that will be to find....
Thanks for reading.
T.
Monday, July 12, 2010
No Miracle Here
Dr. Surrey called this afternoon to let me know that my one blastocyst was abnormal (it was missing a Chromosome 22). I was shaking when I answered the phone, but I knew when he took a long time in telling me my results that it wasn't good news. I somehow managed not to breakdown in tears until after I got off the phone. With only one blastocyst, my head certainly knew the odds weren't in my favor. I didn't realize until today how much my heart was holding out hope. I even have these crazy thoughts that the missing chromosome was there and the stupid test just didn't see it. I promise I'm normally a very rational, logical person.
I think in someways TTC without a partner has been easier, but right now I wish I had someone to help me sort out where to go from here. My mom has been my biggest supporter through all of this, but I know she's reluctant to push me one way or the other. Dr. Surrey gently tried to steer me to DE; however, he said now wasn't the time to make any decisions. He said to call him in a few days to discuss everything when I'm more clear-headed. He said most ladies with no normals on a first cycle don't have a good outcome on the next cycle (I have seen a few ladies beat the odds, but they didn't have one lousy blast on their first cycle). He seemed to think that if I cycled with my OE again that I should do the testing again. Despite the extra expense, I'm definitely on board as the emergency D&C from my last miscarriage definitely left some emotional scars (not to mention the risks that D&C's pose to my uterus). A part of me wants to give it one last chance just in case this was a bad cycle (this was almost like my first IVF since I only had two eggs with my local cycle), but the other part of me knows that the odds are poor with my OE & doesn't want to put off a DE cycle another six months just to give it one last shot with my OE. With DE, I worry about bonding issues & then I think how silly that is because I have two furbabies (both shih tzus) that I love like crazy and they certainly don't share my DNA. With every other lady suffering through infertility, she has my empathy and I know it's not a reflection on her as a person. Why then do I feel like such a failure? My therapist told me to view this as the process failed, not me. I really need to work on that.
Thanks for reading this rambling post.
T.
I think in someways TTC without a partner has been easier, but right now I wish I had someone to help me sort out where to go from here. My mom has been my biggest supporter through all of this, but I know she's reluctant to push me one way or the other. Dr. Surrey gently tried to steer me to DE; however, he said now wasn't the time to make any decisions. He said to call him in a few days to discuss everything when I'm more clear-headed. He said most ladies with no normals on a first cycle don't have a good outcome on the next cycle (I have seen a few ladies beat the odds, but they didn't have one lousy blast on their first cycle). He seemed to think that if I cycled with my OE again that I should do the testing again. Despite the extra expense, I'm definitely on board as the emergency D&C from my last miscarriage definitely left some emotional scars (not to mention the risks that D&C's pose to my uterus). A part of me wants to give it one last chance just in case this was a bad cycle (this was almost like my first IVF since I only had two eggs with my local cycle), but the other part of me knows that the odds are poor with my OE & doesn't want to put off a DE cycle another six months just to give it one last shot with my OE. With DE, I worry about bonding issues & then I think how silly that is because I have two furbabies (both shih tzus) that I love like crazy and they certainly don't share my DNA. With every other lady suffering through infertility, she has my empathy and I know it's not a reflection on her as a person. Why then do I feel like such a failure? My therapist told me to view this as the process failed, not me. I really need to work on that.
Thanks for reading this rambling post.
T.
Sunday, July 11, 2010
How I Got Here...
Writing my own blog is something that I never in a million years thought I'd do. I've just never been much of a writer. Of course, I never thought I'd try to have a baby on my own or do an IVF cycle (let alone in Colorado) either so I guess it's a pretty minor thing to remove from my "I'll never do" list. I'm so grateful for the bloggers that have shared their infertility stories as it has helped me to feel less alone as I forge along this windy, pitfall-ridden, seemingly never-ending road that I hope will one day end with a precious child that will call me "mom". This won't be the wittiest or the most eloquent infertility blog by far, but for some reason I feel the need to share my story. Thanks so much for reading.
About me...
I recently turned 41 and I have been TTC my first child using DS for 2.5 years. After my fifth IUI cycle resulted in my second biochemical pregnancy, I decided to move onto IVF. When I was doing my IUI cycles, it always comforted me to know that IVF was an option because, well, surely that would work, right? How naive I was.
My first IVF cycle was done locally in August 2009. My cycle was badly mismanaged by my local RE and I ended up with only two eggs retrieved, which were transferred on D2. Against all odds, I got pregnant. It was a six week rollercoaster as I had low, but consistently doubling betas. There was no heartbeat at my first ultrasound appointment and my RE said that with my low betas, he didn't think there was any chance for a happy outcome. He left it up to me whether or not I wanted to continue on the progesterone and redo the ultrasound in another week. I chose to redo the ultrasound and to everyone's shock, there was a heartbeat. I wish so much that I could go back and watch that beautiful flickering heartbeat one more time. As long as I live, I'll never, ever forget that moment. I've spent so many days and nights over the last 10 months wondering if I'll ever see another heartbeat. Sadly, the news still wasn't encouraging as the baby was measuring well over a week behind his/her gestational age. My RE told me he'd definitely seen a few cases like mine turn out ok, but that the odds weren't in my favor. The plan was to see the perinatologist the next week. I spent the next five days of my life googling to find every miracle story I could find. Unfortunately, five days after my ultrasound I had intense cramping and started spotting so I knew there wasn't a miracle in the cards for me. I went back to my RE to confirm my worst fears and an ultrasound showed no heartbeat. It looked like the baby had died a day or so after my last ultrasound. A few days later I started hemorrhaging and had to have an emergency D&C. Honestly, despite everything, I don't regret staying on the progesterone. I gave my baby a chance, slight as it was, and I got to see the miracle of his/her beating heart if only for a few minutes. The tissue test came back as 46XX--a normal female. Unfortunately, I'll never know if it was my tissue or the baby's tissue that was tested.
After my disastrous local cycle, I decided to move onto the very best so I went to CCRM. I cycled in late May/early June and I had an amazing cycle (13 eggs retrieved, 11 mature, 8 fertilized, a stellar D3 report) up until D6 when I learned that only one embryo made it to blast (D6 4AB). I was and still am devastated. While I know there's still a slight chance this could turn out well, it's hard for me to imagine this one embryo beating the odds. Of course, that hasn't stopped me from googling for success stories with only one blast. I should have my Microarray results back this week. One of the things that my friends and family don't understand about infertility is that it seems like every setback becomes cumulative. My tears over my crappy D6 report aren't just over that one report, the pain of the three losses also comes flooding back.
Despite the anxiety, the anguish, and the uncertainty of when, or even if, I'll ever be successful, I continue moving forward, praying that one day I'll be a mom. Regardless of how my Microarray results turn out, I'm planning on cycling one last time with my own eggs at CCRM this October. I've seen enough ladies have one bad cycle & then a much better cycle to give it one last shot. I think I need it for closure. My CCRM RE was ok with my plan, saying that hopefully this cycle was like getting a bad batch of apples and I'd have a better batch next time. I know it's probably not too likely, but for my peace of mind I'm going to give it one last shot.
Thanks for reading.
T.
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