Last Year...

I was pregnant. My betas were on the low side, but they were consistently doubling so there was a glimmer of hope. I recall googling "low, but doubling betas" obsessively for days and I managed to find a few stories like mine that turned out well. That was all I needed to convince myself that I was going to have a happy ending. It didn't happen, of course. I would have given anything and everything to have brought my baby into this world. It's strange, in someways September 2009 seems like a lifetime ago as so much has happened in my life this last year (ODWU, three canceled cycles, failed cycle, new employer due to acquisition, my parents' move, my mom's health issues), but on an emotional level, at times it feels like it all happened yesterday. I'll never, ever forget you or stop loving you, sweetheart.

My D&C tissue tested 46XX. Was I carrying a chromosomally normal baby girl or did they test my tissue? If it was the baby's tissue, what went wrong?? Did I do something? When it comes to IF, I force myself to not think about "what if" as I know it can't lead anywhere healthy; however, last night I couldn't help myself from wondering what if I had cycled at CCRM last summer rather than at my local clinic. I'd briefly considered jumping straight to CCRM for my first IVF, but it seemed like over-kill because, on paper, I looked like a perfect candidate for IVF success. Maybe it wouldn't have mattered. I'll never know just as I'll never know what went wrong last September.

I ordered the medication for my cycle today. I'm so much calmer about this cycle than I've ever been in the past. I'm not sure if it's because I'm not terribly optimistic about this cycle (although I'm not without hope completely like I thought I was) or if it's because I'm just ready to be a mom and how I achieve that has become a whole lot less important to me than it used to be.

Thanks so much for reading.

T.