I woke up this morning feeling so empty. It made me realize how attached I'd become to my little embryo in Colorado. First there were 13 eggs, then 9 embryos, then 1 embryo, and now none. I'd always been such a poor responder that I honestly thought that 13 eggs would surely get the job done. Guess not. :-(
I've had a few crying jags over the last 24 hours. They don't last long though because my younger furbaby always comes running & insists that I pick her up. It's hard to cry with a sweet little shih tzu licking away your tears. She then looks at me likes she's trying to solve a really complex math problem, but she's just trying to figure out how to make me happy again.
Still debating what to do next. I don't know a lot about the whole DE process. If I do DE next, it will be important for me to have a donor with red hair. I wonder how hard that will be to find....
Thanks for reading.
T.
I know those crying fits well. :( Not sure where you would do DE, but CCRM's database is online and although you can't view full profiles until you are in the program you can do a basic search for skin, hair and eye colour and height. Hope this helps.
ReplyDeleteI'm so glad that you are blogging! I also started mine when I was at a real low point and it really helped. I'm sorry to hear about your one embie - of course the odds weren't great to start with and I'm still mad about both of us getting such bad blast rates with that last cycle. I still wonder sometimes if there was something going on at the lab that week.
ReplyDeleteI think you should definitely try again with your OE if you can afford it. I mean, if that's what you want. I know for me I had to try one more time (and thus the title of my blog) before I would feel enough closure to move on. And there are plenty of people who have a crappy cycle and then a great one. Are you taking DHEA? I wish I had started it much earlier before my last cycle. I know it can really help but I don't think I was on it long enough.
Also, I may have known this at some point, but I didn't remember that you were single. That is so brave and I really commend you for it. When I was still single in my 30s, I used to always think I would do that too if it came to it, but now that I'm going through this, I realize just how hard it would be to do it alone. I really admire you and hope that you will feel all the support from your online friends, as well as your family. Let me know if I can help in any way!
Hey T...I'm pretty sure you've left me a comment or two (or several!!) on my blog. You and I are in very similar spots. About 5 weeks ago (actually to the day) is when we made the 100% decision to switch to DE. We'd been thinking about it for the last 5 months but June 8th was a monumental day because we made THE decision. I can only say just give yourself time to grieve over the loss of your genetic connection. Up to this point, I can say it gets easier but you will regress from time to time. Just don't rush it...it will come. I wish you every success T and look forward to cheering you along. Who knows if we'll be successful but just hope that we'll make it out of this sucky existance in one peace is my hope for today!! (A week ago I was so certain that we'll be successful - the last few days - not so much...cyclical I know).
ReplyDeleteAnyway, m/c's suck big time and the loss of your embryo is brutal. I really feel for you. And to top it all off...you are doing this all on your own! You must have nerves of steel...one strong chick that's for certain. I bask in your courage...
Have a good one!
T--
ReplyDeleteGlad to see you here. Thanks for the comments and support. I am so sorry for the outcome with your embryo...I can only imagine how letdown you feel. I hate IF, I hate that a cycle can look so wonderful and then still go to pot in the end. Sheesh.
I think blogging has been immensely helpful to me, and I hope you find it to be, at the very least, a release.
Looking forward to following your journey.
I don't know much about IVF protocols yet, but I found this blog which discusses poor responders and different protocols. Have you seen it? ivfauthority.com
ReplyDeleteThank you for your comment on my blog.
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry to hear about your news. I know the heartbreak of this IVF stuff all to well. Thinking of you!