You've been warned. :-)
I've been religiously reading everyone's blogs the past few weeks, but I haven't really felt like blogging. I think I haven't felt comfortable admitting that I'm still so freaking sad about how my cycle turned out. CCRM was my Plan B for a long time & I always believed 100% that they would be able to help me. I've heard this sentiment expressed by others, but failing at CCRM really does hurt a lot more than failing elsewhere. Even though I think I'm going to give it one more shot this fall, I'm definitely grieving the loss of having a child with my own genes because I honestly don't hold out much hope that the next time will be different. Oh sure, I'm taking the CCRM cocktail of supplements twice a day. I've also added royal jelly (I've finally figured out how to down it without gagging). I just don't want to get my hopes up that it will make a difference. I read on one of the message boards about a lady that received her Microarray results within two weeks of her retrieval (supposedly CCRM is no longer sending the biopsies to New Jersey?) and it occurred to me that I couldn't even get a break by getting my crappy news in a timely manner (I waited 6 weeks). Everything about my infertility journey has seemed to go that way. For the first time in almost three years of TTC, I even have moments where I wonder why I'm doing all of this. After all, being a mom is the hardest job in the world, not to mention that I'll be a single mom. Sometimes I wish I could stop wanting to be a mom so badly.
I'm afraid to step on the scale, but I know I put on weight both during my cycle & since I returned from Denver. Today, I decided enough is enough so I started counting W.W. points (it's always the easiest way for me to lose weight). My heart really isn't into losing this weight, but I know it's best in case I ever do conceive. I'll post my progress here as I think it will help to keep me accountable.
T.
P.S. I had the sweetest comment from a reader named Kara's mom. Your blog wasn't accessible for me, but I wanted to thank you for your comment & congratulate you on your twins!
I have been thinking about you and wondering how you were/are doing. I know the pain, sadness, anger, (insert all other emotions) you feel from failing at CCRM, I have now done it twice. It sucks. BUT, it does get easier with time and it also helps to have a plan.
ReplyDeleteI hate my IF?IVF pounds, but I am too lazy to do anything about it. Good for you for starting up with WW, can't wait to hear how great you do.
Hang in there. We are all here to support you.
Hey TXGirlie,
ReplyDeleteJust giant hugs to you girl! And kudos to you on WW. I lost some pounds on it earlier this spring and want to start it again starting Sunday. Not sure if I'll officially join and just track portions instead. But I really liked having something else to focus on. Good luck to you and so sorry you're feeling so blue...
Yes, I definitely know the pain of failing at CCRM - I am a three-time loser there! It does have an extra sting when it happens at such a high-octane clinic. I'm glad you are going to give it another shot though, and I hope those supplements will help give you an extra boost.
ReplyDeleteAnd I wish you the best of luck in losing some of those extra IVF pounds. That was on my list of things to do this summer, but with the move I just didn't get a chance to go walking as much as I would have liked.
You are on the right track and I am here cheering you on!
You're right, the pain of failing CCRM is intense. It just plain sucks. We went back for a second round and for what it's worth, it did go better. I hope you have a completely different cycle (duh!) and I do think the supplements can help!
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