How I Got Here...

Writing my own blog is something that I never in a million years thought I'd do. I've just never been much of a writer. Of course, I never thought I'd try to have a baby on my own or do an IVF cycle (let alone in Colorado) either so I guess it's a pretty minor thing to remove from my "I'll never do" list. I'm so grateful for the bloggers that have shared their infertility stories as it has helped me to feel less alone as I forge along this windy, pitfall-ridden, seemingly never-ending road that I hope will one day end with a precious child that will call me "mom". This won't be the wittiest or the most eloquent infertility blog by far, but for some reason I feel the need to share my story. Thanks so much for reading.

About me...

I recently turned 41 and I have been TTC my first child using DS for 2.5 years. After my fifth IUI cycle resulted in my second biochemical pregnancy, I decided to move onto IVF. When I was doing my IUI cycles, it always comforted me to know that IVF was an option because, well, surely that would work, right? How naive I was.

My first IVF cycle was done locally in August 2009. My cycle was badly mismanaged by my local RE and I ended up with only two eggs retrieved, which were transferred on D2. Against all odds, I got pregnant. It was a six week rollercoaster as I had low, but consistently doubling betas. There was no heartbeat at my first ultrasound appointment and my RE said that with my low betas, he didn't think there was any chance for a happy outcome. He left it up to me whether or not I wanted to continue on the progesterone and redo the ultrasound in another week. I chose to redo the ultrasound and to everyone's shock, there was a heartbeat. I wish so much that I could go back and watch that beautiful flickering heartbeat one more time. As long as I live, I'll never, ever forget that moment. I've spent so many days and nights over the last 10 months wondering if I'll ever see another heartbeat. Sadly, the news still wasn't encouraging as the baby was measuring well over a week behind his/her gestational age. My RE told me he'd definitely seen a few cases like mine turn out ok, but that the odds weren't in my favor. The plan was to see the perinatologist the next week. I spent the next five days of my life googling to find every miracle story I could find. Unfortunately, five days after my ultrasound I had intense cramping and started spotting so I knew there wasn't a miracle in the cards for me. I went back to my RE to confirm my worst fears and an ultrasound showed no heartbeat. It looked like the baby had died a day or so after my last ultrasound. A few days later I started hemorrhaging and had to have an emergency D&C. Honestly, despite everything, I don't regret staying on the progesterone. I gave my baby a chance, slight as it was, and I got to see the miracle of his/her beating heart if only for a few minutes. The tissue test came back as 46XX--a normal female. Unfortunately, I'll never know if it was my tissue or the baby's tissue that was tested.

After my disastrous local cycle, I decided to move onto the very best so I went to CCRM. I cycled in late May/early June and I had an amazing cycle (13 eggs retrieved, 11 mature, 8 fertilized, a stellar D3 report) up until D6 when I learned that only one embryo made it to blast (D6 4AB). I was and still am devastated. While I know there's still a slight chance this could turn out well, it's hard for me to imagine this one embryo beating the odds. Of course, that hasn't stopped me from googling for success stories with only one blast. I should have my Microarray results back this week. One of the things that my friends and family don't understand about infertility is that it seems like every setback becomes cumulative. My tears over my crappy D6 report aren't just over that one report, the pain of the three losses also comes flooding back.

Despite the anxiety, the anguish, and the uncertainty of when, or even if, I'll ever be successful, I continue moving forward, praying that one day I'll be a mom. Regardless of how my Microarray results turn out, I'm planning on cycling one last time with my own eggs at CCRM this October. I've seen enough ladies have one bad cycle & then a much better cycle to give it one last shot. I think I need it for closure. My CCRM RE was ok with my plan, saying that hopefully this cycle was like getting a bad batch of apples and I'd have a better batch next time. I know it's probably not too likely, but for my peace of mind I'm going to give it one last shot.

Thanks for reading.

T.