My starting betas for my four pregnancies are as follows:
#1 (IUI) - 14 at 14dpo
#2 (IUI) - 9 at 16dpo
#3 (IVF) - 34 at 15dpo
#4 (FET) - 18.3 at 14dpo
I just feel so defeated and so stupid for spending all of this time & money desperately trying to avoid another loss only to be staring that in the face yet again. For whatever reason, my embryos love to implant, they're just too weak to develop normally. I thought that the combination of the supplements and CCRM's magic would work for me, but I was deluding myself.
Every other time my doctor or nurse has called with my first beta, they've told me upfront that my beta was very low. The CCRM nurse that called today was incredibly upbeat & exuberantly congratulated me on being pregnant. For a few seconds I thought that I'd finally gotten my dream of a pregnancy with a fighting chance of being viable. I finally asked her what my beta was (she didn't volunteer the information) and only then did she tell me it was "slightly low" at 18.3. At first I thought I'd misheard her. It was just devastating to be told in that manner. I just thank God that I'd done the HPTs so I was prepared as I could be for a low number. The nurse actually told me they're "cautiously optimistic" and congratulated me on being pregnant before she hung up. I don't get it.
My progesterone is still a tad low at 19.5 so they're adding a suppository at bedtime. Lovely.
Please, I beg of you, please don't share any low beta success stories. That's not what happens to me. With pregnancies #1 & #3, my betas kept barely doubling until they finally gave up on blood tests and waited for the first ultrasound (with #1, nothing was visible & with #3, I ended up seeing the heartbeat a week later than normal & ended up with an emergency D&C due to the amount of bleeding I was having, which was the most traumatic experience of my life). Since I saw a line on the FRER approx. 36 hours before my beta & my beta was only 18.3, I'm hoping it's a sign that this won't be a long, drawn out affair again. It's sad that's what I'm praying for now.
T.
Sunday, February 20, 2011
Saturday, February 19, 2011
Not Looking Good (8dp5dt)
I tested this morning with a FRER using FMU. I think the line is even fainter than yesterday's line. My beta is in the morning. At this point, I'm just hoping that I'm not in for another round of weeks of low betas that keep barely doubling because that has never turned out well for me and just draws out the agony. I thought that only putting one back would put less pressure on me, but now it just seems like a huge waste of time & money.
My therapist has suggested that if my FETs don't work out, that I do embryo adoption rather than a DE/DS cycle. I just don't know where to start in learning about this option. Anyone know?
T.
My therapist has suggested that if my FETs don't work out, that I do embryo adoption rather than a DE/DS cycle. I just don't know where to start in learning about this option. Anyone know?
T.
Friday, February 18, 2011
More HPT "Fun" (7dp5dt)
I just don't know what to think.
I didn't want to POAS until after work so I held my pee all afternoon (5+ hours) & re-tested this evening. The Clearblue Easy Digital came up "not pregnant". The FRER had a faint line within a few minutes. I took the FRER outside and I could see the line without squinting or having to look at it from a certain angle. Would love to think there's hope here, but I sure wish I wasn't still getting a negative on the digital a day & a half before my beta (supposedly CBE digital has a sensitivity of 25mlU).
The good news is that I had the last of my brownish bleeding last night and I haven't had any bleeding today.
It's going to be a long wait for Sunday.
T.
I didn't want to POAS until after work so I held my pee all afternoon (5+ hours) & re-tested this evening. The Clearblue Easy Digital came up "not pregnant". The FRER had a faint line within a few minutes. I took the FRER outside and I could see the line without squinting or having to look at it from a certain angle. Would love to think there's hope here, but I sure wish I wasn't still getting a negative on the digital a day & a half before my beta (supposedly CBE digital has a sensitivity of 25mlU).
The good news is that I had the last of my brownish bleeding last night and I haven't had any bleeding today.
It's going to be a long wait for Sunday.
T.
Thursday, February 17, 2011
A Crappy Day (6dp5dt)
Just before noon today, I had some reddish spotting when I wiped after peeing. I e-mailed my nurse and she said to rest, if possible, so I took sick time this afternoon and laid on the couch with my legs elevated. Later in the afternoon, I started seeing brownish blood after peeing. I had brownish bleeding with my first two pregnancies (both biochemical) so for me that has never been a promising sign. Also, it seems like 11dpo would be late for implantation bleeding, no?
I made my mind up weeks ago that I wouldn't POAS until tomorrow evening when I wouldn't have to face work for a few days if it was negative. Well, my resolve went out the window with the bleeding episode so I POAS with two different tests and both were BFN. I think it had been about 2.5 hours since I'd last peed (I'd had little to drink) when I took the tests and my urine was quite yellow so I think it should have been concentrated enough to pick up HCG if it was present. The brownish bleeding followed by the negative HPTs has me in complete meltdown mode. About three hours after taking my HPT, I even fished the non-digital test out of the garbage can and broke it apart to look at the test strip. I've tried to convince myself that there's a faint, faint pink line, but I'm sure it's either an evaporation line or it's all in my head. I'm back to feverishly googling sh*t on the internet looking for a case like mine that turned out ok and I hate being back here. If I can't get a CCS normal 4AA embryo that was 100% expanding to stick, will anything ever f-ing stick? I just don't know how I'm going to make it through work tomorrow and I absolutely can't take the day off.
I. am. so. tired.
T.
I made my mind up weeks ago that I wouldn't POAS until tomorrow evening when I wouldn't have to face work for a few days if it was negative. Well, my resolve went out the window with the bleeding episode so I POAS with two different tests and both were BFN. I think it had been about 2.5 hours since I'd last peed (I'd had little to drink) when I took the tests and my urine was quite yellow so I think it should have been concentrated enough to pick up HCG if it was present. The brownish bleeding followed by the negative HPTs has me in complete meltdown mode. About three hours after taking my HPT, I even fished the non-digital test out of the garbage can and broke it apart to look at the test strip. I've tried to convince myself that there's a faint, faint pink line, but I'm sure it's either an evaporation line or it's all in my head. I'm back to feverishly googling sh*t on the internet looking for a case like mine that turned out ok and I hate being back here. If I can't get a CCS normal 4AA embryo that was 100% expanding to stick, will anything ever f-ing stick? I just don't know how I'm going to make it through work tomorrow and I absolutely can't take the day off.
I. am. so. tired.
T.
Saturday, February 12, 2011
Lucky #7?
My transfer was yesterday so I am officially PUPO with what hopefully will be Lucky #7! Seven is off to a great start...100% cell survival, fully expanded & just starting to hatch at the time of transfer. This is my first attempt at posting a picture on my blog so hopefully it will work.
I guess I've become so conditioned for bad news, that I'm almost a little unnerved by how perfect everything seems on paper. I'm relieved, optimistic, excited, and nervous all at once. At my last check, my Estrogen was on the low side, but it is now up to 475 so well above the 300 that CCRM is looking for. My Progesterone was slighly low at 17.6 so they've upped my PIO dosage & I'll have it rechecked with my beta next week. I've had slight crampiness today, but I know it's way too soon for that to be anything other than a side effect from the Progesterone.
The lady who drew my blood remembered me when she saw me. She did a little cheer since she knew I was finally headed for a transfer after two retrieval cycles. So sweet! I did the pre & post-transfer acupuncture, which really helped with my nerves. I could tell when I arrived at CCRM that my blood pressure was high, but after the first round of acupuncture I felt better and it was the first time I haven't had a high BP reading at CCRM. Dr. Surrey was wonderful. He jokingly asked me if I wanted zero or one embryo put back. I really needed my mom for emotional support so I was grateful that she made the trip. I wasn't planning on using a wheelchair at the airport, but Dr. Surrey specifically told her to make me use the wheelchair so I have no choice in the matter since she's as stubborn as I.
Today is my baby Belly's 3rd birthday so I thought I'd post a picture of her. My dad assured me he's spoiling "the girls" rotten while I'm away.
Belle ("Belly Girl"):
Ruffles:
T.
I guess I've become so conditioned for bad news, that I'm almost a little unnerved by how perfect everything seems on paper. I'm relieved, optimistic, excited, and nervous all at once. At my last check, my Estrogen was on the low side, but it is now up to 475 so well above the 300 that CCRM is looking for. My Progesterone was slighly low at 17.6 so they've upped my PIO dosage & I'll have it rechecked with my beta next week. I've had slight crampiness today, but I know it's way too soon for that to be anything other than a side effect from the Progesterone.
The lady who drew my blood remembered me when she saw me. She did a little cheer since she knew I was finally headed for a transfer after two retrieval cycles. So sweet! I did the pre & post-transfer acupuncture, which really helped with my nerves. I could tell when I arrived at CCRM that my blood pressure was high, but after the first round of acupuncture I felt better and it was the first time I haven't had a high BP reading at CCRM. Dr. Surrey was wonderful. He jokingly asked me if I wanted zero or one embryo put back. I really needed my mom for emotional support so I was grateful that she made the trip. I wasn't planning on using a wheelchair at the airport, but Dr. Surrey specifically told her to make me use the wheelchair so I have no choice in the matter since she's as stubborn as I.
Today is my baby Belly's 3rd birthday so I thought I'd post a picture of her. My dad assured me he's spoiling "the girls" rotten while I'm away.
Belle ("Belly Girl"):
Ruffles:
T.
Saturday, January 29, 2011
Feeling Better...
Thank you so very much to everyone for all of the amazing support this week. It was reassuring to know that what I was feeling was perfectly normal. I saw my therapist on Thursday and she reiterated the same message as all of you--given all of my previous losses, it's to be expected that I'll be very anxious about suffering another loss as I head into my FET. When the anxiety really hits me, her advice is to remind myself that I've done absolutely everything I possibly can and that it's now out of my hands (not easy for someone who likes to be in control). She did a relaxation exercise with me and wants me to try meditating twice a day. Being very Type A, I'm not great at sitting still and just being, but I'm working on it. She also advised me to try to redirect my thoughts when I start thinking back on my miscarriage last fall, which has helped too. I do seem to be less anxious for the most part compared to how I was feeling earlier in the week. Last night I picked up HPTs at Target and that definitely had my anxiety in overdrive for awhile though.
My first Estrogen check is Monday morning. I'll have my second Estrogen check and an ultrasound on Friday morning. I've never had any issues with my lining in the past so I'm hopeful that everything will go well with the FET prep.
I'm traveling for work several days this week, which should be a great distraction since my days will be very full and there are dinners planned in the evenings. My co-workers won't raise any eyebrows over my not drinking alcohol since I'm a very light drinker, but they will probably find it odd that I'm not drinking diet Coke since I usally drink way too much of it. I'm really hoping that this is my last business trip for awhile because that would mean my FET was successful (I don't intend to travel while I'm on PIO since I just can't do my own IM shots).
This week my mom is seeing a different oncologist for a second opinion regarding her biopsy results from the lesion she had removed from her leg. The orthopedic oncologist that performed her surgery is confident that he got all of the malignant tissue and isn't recommending chemo or radiation, but we'll see what the second oncologist has to say. In just the last week she has completely stopped using her walker and she even walked around the block with the dogs & me today (about 1/2 mile), which was the farthest she's walked since her surgey. I really, really, really want her at my transfer for emotional support so we've booked her a ticket to Denver. If the weather looks like it will be really bad in Denver, she'll stay home since she's not as steady as normal & the bone graft isn't completely healed, but hopefully we'll luck out in that regard. My best friend is also going so I'll definitely be fussed over while on bedrest.
T.
My first Estrogen check is Monday morning. I'll have my second Estrogen check and an ultrasound on Friday morning. I've never had any issues with my lining in the past so I'm hopeful that everything will go well with the FET prep.
I'm traveling for work several days this week, which should be a great distraction since my days will be very full and there are dinners planned in the evenings. My co-workers won't raise any eyebrows over my not drinking alcohol since I'm a very light drinker, but they will probably find it odd that I'm not drinking diet Coke since I usally drink way too much of it. I'm really hoping that this is my last business trip for awhile because that would mean my FET was successful (I don't intend to travel while I'm on PIO since I just can't do my own IM shots).
This week my mom is seeing a different oncologist for a second opinion regarding her biopsy results from the lesion she had removed from her leg. The orthopedic oncologist that performed her surgery is confident that he got all of the malignant tissue and isn't recommending chemo or radiation, but we'll see what the second oncologist has to say. In just the last week she has completely stopped using her walker and she even walked around the block with the dogs & me today (about 1/2 mile), which was the farthest she's walked since her surgey. I really, really, really want her at my transfer for emotional support so we've booked her a ticket to Denver. If the weather looks like it will be really bad in Denver, she'll stay home since she's not as steady as normal & the bone graft isn't completely healed, but hopefully we'll luck out in that regard. My best friend is also going so I'll definitely be fussed over while on bedrest.
T.
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
One Day at a Time...
I've sat down a few times to try to write a new post, but I've struggled with putting words to my feelings. My FET is scheduled for 17 days from today. I am absolutely terrified. Terrified that the FET will fail. Even more terrified that I'll miscarry again. I even have moments when I think about postponing the FET a little longer because somehow there's comfort in knowing my two embryos are there waiting for me.
It's a long story and the details aren't really important, but something happened in December that brought back a lot of the emotional pain of my miscarriage last year. I honestly thought I'd put the pain behind me, but I definitely had the scab yanked off and for awhile it felt like it had happened recently rather than over a year ago. I think that having the reminder of the devastation I felt last year has made me skittish heading into the FET. There simply aren't any guarantees even with CCS normal embryos. I keep reminding myself that a lot is different this time (CCS testing, CCRM's lab, no stim drugs in my system), but the fear of miscarrying is really weighing heavily on me. I made an appointment with my therapist on Thursday and I'm hoping she can give me some suggestions for coping.
T.
It's a long story and the details aren't really important, but something happened in December that brought back a lot of the emotional pain of my miscarriage last year. I honestly thought I'd put the pain behind me, but I definitely had the scab yanked off and for awhile it felt like it had happened recently rather than over a year ago. I think that having the reminder of the devastation I felt last year has made me skittish heading into the FET. There simply aren't any guarantees even with CCS normal embryos. I keep reminding myself that a lot is different this time (CCS testing, CCRM's lab, no stim drugs in my system), but the fear of miscarrying is really weighing heavily on me. I made an appointment with my therapist on Thursday and I'm hoping she can give me some suggestions for coping.
T.
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