Deja Vu (Beta #1)

My starting betas for my four pregnancies are as follows:

#1 (IUI) - 14 at 14dpo
#2 (IUI) - 9 at 16dpo
#3 (IVF) - 34 at 15dpo
#4 (FET) - 18.3 at 14dpo

I just feel so defeated and so stupid for spending all of this time & money desperately trying to avoid another loss only to be staring that in the face yet again. For whatever reason, my embryos love to implant, they're just too weak to develop normally. I thought that the combination of the supplements and CCRM's magic would work for me, but I was deluding myself.

Every other time my doctor or nurse has called with my first beta, they've told me upfront that my beta was very low. The CCRM nurse that called today was incredibly upbeat & exuberantly congratulated me on being pregnant. For a few seconds I thought that I'd finally gotten my dream of a pregnancy with a fighting chance of being viable. I finally asked her what my beta was (she didn't volunteer the information) and only then did she tell me it was "slightly low" at 18.3. At first I thought I'd misheard her. It was just devastating to be told in that manner. I just thank God that I'd done the HPTs so I was prepared as I could be for a low number. The nurse actually told me they're "cautiously optimistic" and congratulated me on being pregnant before she hung up. I don't get it.

My progesterone is still a tad low at 19.5 so they're adding a suppository at bedtime. Lovely.

Please, I beg of you, please don't share any low beta success stories. That's not what happens to me. With pregnancies #1 & #3, my betas kept barely doubling until they finally gave up on blood tests and waited for the first ultrasound (with #1, nothing was visible & with #3, I ended up seeing the heartbeat a week later than normal & ended up with an emergency D&C due to the amount of bleeding I was having, which was the most traumatic experience of my life). Since I saw a line on the FRER approx. 36 hours before my beta & my beta was only 18.3, I'm hoping it's a sign that this won't be a long, drawn out affair again. It's sad that's what I'm praying for now.

T.