Requesting Info Re: Possible Lining Issue

Dr. Surrey called the evening of my second beta to offer his condolences on my biochemical pregnancy. He said that most likely either (1) the embryo had a chromosomal problem that the current testing cannot pickup or (2) there's an issue with my lining that they can't observe. He actually brought up the word "surrogate" although he feels it's too soon to consider that route. I think he was starting to prepare me just in case. My impression was that he was pretty shocked at this outcome given the quality of the embryo & how beautifully it thawed. I reminded him that the tissue from the one D&C I had came back as 46XX. I've never been 100% convinced that was my tissue and it has bothered me even before this latest loss with a known (assuming no testing error) chromosomally normal embryo. Basically, Dr. Surrey said the last rock to look under is an endometrial biopsy to check for the beta integrin protein, which I plan to do this next cycle. Investigating lining issues is new to me so I'd really appreciate any and all advice and information. I've had the recurrent pregnancy loss panel (although I intend to ask Dr. Surrey if we should repeat it as a precaution since that was two losses ago). Is there any other testing that I should request?

At one time I recall reading a discussion about endometrial scraping, the idea being that damaging the uterine lining somehow produced a reaction that later aided implantation. Will the biopsy achieve this if I do a transfer within a few months?

The other thing I want to discuss with Dr. Surrey is my lining thickness. I did my ultrasound a day earlier than normal and it was already at 13.7mm. I read on one site that a lining that's too thick can actually hurt implantation so I want to see if we can aim for a slightly thinner lining next time. That may be tricky though because I seem to always have trouble with my Estrogen being stubbornly low both on stim and transfer cycles.

Thank you for all of the comforting words this week. They all made me feel much less alone. I tried going to work on Wednesday and finally ended up telling my new boss the situation because I wasn't doing well at work. He & his wife recently adopted after a long struggle with infertility & then two failed adoption placements so I knew he'd be sympathetic. He actually thought I was going to quit when I called him from a conference room (he's based out west). He offered to give me more time off, but I said that work was a good distraction for me, but I'd do better at home so he's letting me work from home this week. My mom is staying with me so between her & my dogs I'm holding it together. I hate bedtime & first thing in the morning as that's when it all really hits me. I just wish I knew what to do next.

T.

It's Over (Beta #2)

My beta dropped to 4. I honestly don't feel anything right now other than numbness. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for all of your kind words the last few days. They've meant everything to me.

I'll write more soon.

Love,
T.

Deja Vu (Beta #1)

My starting betas for my four pregnancies are as follows:

#1 (IUI) - 14 at 14dpo
#2 (IUI) - 9 at 16dpo
#3 (IVF) - 34 at 15dpo
#4 (FET) - 18.3 at 14dpo

I just feel so defeated and so stupid for spending all of this time & money desperately trying to avoid another loss only to be staring that in the face yet again. For whatever reason, my embryos love to implant, they're just too weak to develop normally. I thought that the combination of the supplements and CCRM's magic would work for me, but I was deluding myself.

Every other time my doctor or nurse has called with my first beta, they've told me upfront that my beta was very low. The CCRM nurse that called today was incredibly upbeat & exuberantly congratulated me on being pregnant. For a few seconds I thought that I'd finally gotten my dream of a pregnancy with a fighting chance of being viable. I finally asked her what my beta was (she didn't volunteer the information) and only then did she tell me it was "slightly low" at 18.3. At first I thought I'd misheard her. It was just devastating to be told in that manner. I just thank God that I'd done the HPTs so I was prepared as I could be for a low number. The nurse actually told me they're "cautiously optimistic" and congratulated me on being pregnant before she hung up. I don't get it.

My progesterone is still a tad low at 19.5 so they're adding a suppository at bedtime. Lovely.

Please, I beg of you, please don't share any low beta success stories. That's not what happens to me. With pregnancies #1 & #3, my betas kept barely doubling until they finally gave up on blood tests and waited for the first ultrasound (with #1, nothing was visible & with #3, I ended up seeing the heartbeat a week later than normal & ended up with an emergency D&C due to the amount of bleeding I was having, which was the most traumatic experience of my life). Since I saw a line on the FRER approx. 36 hours before my beta & my beta was only 18.3, I'm hoping it's a sign that this won't be a long, drawn out affair again. It's sad that's what I'm praying for now.

T.

Not Looking Good (8dp5dt)

I tested this morning with a FRER using FMU. I think the line is even fainter than yesterday's line. My beta is in the morning. At this point, I'm just hoping that I'm not in for another round of weeks of low betas that keep barely doubling because that has never turned out well for me and just draws out the agony. I thought that only putting one back would put less pressure on me, but now it just seems like a huge waste of time & money.

My therapist has suggested that if my FETs don't work out, that I do embryo adoption rather than a DE/DS cycle. I just don't know where to start in learning about this option. Anyone know?

T.

More HPT "Fun" (7dp5dt)

I just don't know what to think.

I didn't want to POAS until after work so I held my pee all afternoon (5+ hours) & re-tested this evening. The Clearblue Easy Digital came up "not pregnant". The FRER had a faint line within a few minutes. I took the FRER outside and I could see the line without squinting or having to look at it from a certain angle. Would love to think there's hope here, but I sure wish I wasn't still getting a negative on the digital a day & a half before my beta (supposedly CBE digital has a sensitivity of 25mlU).

The good news is that I had the last of my brownish bleeding last night and I haven't had any bleeding today.

It's going to be a long wait for Sunday.

T.

A Crappy Day (6dp5dt)

Just before noon today, I had some reddish spotting when I wiped after peeing. I e-mailed my nurse and she said to rest, if possible, so I took sick time this afternoon and laid on the couch with my legs elevated. Later in the afternoon, I started seeing brownish blood after peeing. I had brownish bleeding with my first two pregnancies (both biochemical) so for me that has never been a promising sign. Also, it seems like 11dpo would be late for implantation bleeding, no?

I made my mind up weeks ago that I wouldn't POAS until tomorrow evening when I wouldn't have to face work for a few days if it was negative. Well, my resolve went out the window with the bleeding episode so I POAS with two different tests and both were BFN. I think it had been about 2.5 hours since I'd last peed (I'd had little to drink) when I took the tests and my urine was quite yellow so I think it should have been concentrated enough to pick up HCG if it was present. The brownish bleeding followed by the negative HPTs has me in complete meltdown mode. About three hours after taking my HPT, I even fished the non-digital test out of the garbage can and broke it apart to look at the test strip. I've tried to convince myself that there's a faint, faint pink line, but I'm sure it's either an evaporation line or it's all in my head. I'm back to feverishly googling sh*t on the internet looking for a case like mine that turned out ok and I hate being back here. If I can't get a CCS normal 4AA embryo that was 100% expanding to stick, will anything ever f-ing stick? I just don't know how I'm going to make it through work tomorrow and I absolutely can't take the day off.

I. am. so. tired.

T.

Lucky #7?

My transfer was yesterday so I am officially PUPO with what hopefully will be Lucky #7! Seven is off to a great start...100% cell survival, fully expanded & just starting to hatch at the time of transfer. This is my first attempt at posting a picture on my blog so hopefully it will work.



I guess I've become so conditioned for bad news, that I'm almost a little unnerved by how perfect everything seems on paper. I'm relieved, optimistic, excited, and nervous all at once. At my last check, my Estrogen was on the low side, but it is now up to 475 so well above the 300 that CCRM is looking for. My Progesterone was slighly low at 17.6 so they've upped my PIO dosage & I'll have it rechecked with my beta next week. I've had slight crampiness today, but I know it's way too soon for that to be anything other than a side effect from the Progesterone.

The lady who drew my blood remembered me when she saw me. She did a little cheer since she knew I was finally headed for a transfer after two retrieval cycles. So sweet! I did the pre & post-transfer acupuncture, which really helped with my nerves. I could tell when I arrived at CCRM that my blood pressure was high, but after the first round of acupuncture I felt better and it was the first time I haven't had a high BP reading at CCRM. Dr. Surrey was wonderful. He jokingly asked me if I wanted zero or one embryo put back. I really needed my mom for emotional support so I was grateful that she made the trip. I wasn't planning on using a wheelchair at the airport, but Dr. Surrey specifically told her to make me use the wheelchair so I have no choice in the matter since she's as stubborn as I.

Today is my baby Belly's 3rd birthday so I thought I'd post a picture of her. My dad assured me he's spoiling "the girls" rotten while I'm away.

Belle ("Belly Girl"):



Ruffles:



T.