One Hurdle Cleared

This morning I got a smiley face on my digital OPK!! Based on my history, this is another good sign that I'm cyst free right now. Pretty please let everything that's supposed to dissolve this month do so. Due to the way my cycle dates are falling, I'm not scheduled to take any extra days of Estrace like I did last cycle. I'm a bit worried about my menses arriving on time since my calendar has it arriving 2-3 days before it'll be due. My nurse indicated that the Estrace/Cetrotide should bring it on early so hopefully that will be the case. I think I'll go ahead and book my air travel this weekend if the rates are reasonable and hope for the best. Since I stimmed an extra two days last time, I'm going to book my ticket for an extra two days. I figure I can always find something to do in Denver if I happen to stim faster this time.

I found out today that I may have to go to Montreal for work in early November. The only thing I could think about was the possibility that I'll get my Microarray results while I'm out of town. I had planned on asking Dr. Surrey to call me with my results in the evening when I could be at home. If I'm in Montreal, I'm sure I'll be expected to socialize after work. Crap. I guess I need to cross this bridge when I come to it since it's still a long ways off.

I twisted my ankle last night while walking my dogs and I fell hard on my right hand. I don't think anything is broken, but it's swollen & really hurts when I have to grip or squeeze anything. I also have a lovely scrape on my leg. I'm so darn graceful sometimes, LOL.

Thinking of you all.

T.

Taking Deep Breaths

The bill from CCRM for my upcoming cycle came in the mail today and my anxiety level immediately shot through the roof. If I wasn't TTC, I'd have bought a new car several years ago. Instead, I've kept my old car & sunk a pretty penny into repairs. I know it's just a matter of time before something else major goes wrong with it. I've just been afraid to take on the debt of a new car until I have a pregnancy that looks like it's going to stick. For my own peace of mind, I want to maintain all of the financial flexibility I can just in case I'm one of the really unlucky patients that doesn't succeed on my first DE cycle, especially since I don't feel all that secure in my job (there were layoffs last week). I hate that I'm so paranoid, but I can't help it given all the crap that's happened over the last three years. It was so much easier to plunk down the $25K last cycle when Dr. Surrey basically gave me a 50% chance of succeeding. I keep telling myself that in the long-run $25K isn't going to change my life. I know I need this one more chance with my OE for closure, but dang it's a lot of money.

Please let this work.

T.

I'm One Month...

from my tentative retrieval date of October 19th. I'm having trouble wrapping my head around the fact that this is really it with my own eggs. After spending a small fortune on medical bills (I think I'm closing in on $90K or so), going to endless doctor and acupuncture appointments, and worrying myself sick for three years over something that I cannot control (my egg quality), I'm very close to the end of this part of my journey. Wow...just freaking wow. Doesn't. seem. possible.

I think what I'm most afraid of with this last OE IVF is coping with another disappointment. The past four weeks or so I've finally gotten over my devastation at the failure of my first CCRM IVF. Now that I'm feeling better, it has made me realize how desperately sad I was most of the summer. I don't want to go back to that. I really think I'm more prepared for bad news this time, but I'm still really dreading the thought of grieving another disappointment and waiting even longer to realize my dreams.

AF arrived on schedule last weekend. I'll start checking for my LH surge tomorrow. Since my first sign of a cyst has always been a short cycle, I'm cautiously optimistic that all is ok for now. I need to get this IVF over with so that my mom can have her surgery ASAP so, just this once, I really need things to go on schedule.

In non-fertility news, I've decided to refinance my house so I've been busy this last week pulling all of my financial information together. My payment will drop by $100-150 per month and I'll shave 8 years off the term. If I only have one child, there's a good chance I'll stay in my house for a very long time & I really like the idea of having it paid off before my child starts college. If I have more than one child (something that's less & less likely as the days go by), I'll likely move into something bigger down the road, but I'm sure it'll be more than two years out, which is my refinance breakeven point.

Have a fabulous week, ladies!

T.

Last Year...

I was pregnant. My betas were on the low side, but they were consistently doubling so there was a glimmer of hope. I recall googling "low, but doubling betas" obsessively for days and I managed to find a few stories like mine that turned out well. That was all I needed to convince myself that I was going to have a happy ending. It didn't happen, of course. I would have given anything and everything to have brought my baby into this world. It's strange, in someways September 2009 seems like a lifetime ago as so much has happened in my life this last year (ODWU, three canceled cycles, failed cycle, new employer due to acquisition, my parents' move, my mom's health issues), but on an emotional level, at times it feels like it all happened yesterday. I'll never, ever forget you or stop loving you, sweetheart.

My D&C tissue tested 46XX. Was I carrying a chromosomally normal baby girl or did they test my tissue? If it was the baby's tissue, what went wrong?? Did I do something? When it comes to IF, I force myself to not think about "what if" as I know it can't lead anywhere healthy; however, last night I couldn't help myself from wondering what if I had cycled at CCRM last summer rather than at my local clinic. I'd briefly considered jumping straight to CCRM for my first IVF, but it seemed like over-kill because, on paper, I looked like a perfect candidate for IVF success. Maybe it wouldn't have mattered. I'll never know just as I'll never know what went wrong last September.

I ordered the medication for my cycle today. I'm so much calmer about this cycle than I've ever been in the past. I'm not sure if it's because I'm not terribly optimistic about this cycle (although I'm not without hope completely like I thought I was) or if it's because I'm just ready to be a mom and how I achieve that has become a whole lot less important to me than it used to be.

Thanks so much for reading.

T.

I'm Still Alive...

I didn't intend to go four weeks between updates, but life has been very topsy-turvy for me. In the past month, my mom has had not one, but two cancer scares. She had surgery about ten days ago to remove a malignant spot on her face (fortunately, her doctor is very confident they got all of it). Unrelated to the malignancy on her face, the doctors have also found a tumor in her left leg that they're calling "pre-cancerous". Two different doctors have told her that she needs to have surgery to remove this tumor within the next six months. My mom has Type II Diabetes so I'm really concerned about how well she's going to heal after the surgery, especially since the tumor is in the shin part of her leg where there's not a lot of blood flow. I tend to have pretty good intuition and I have this bad feeling that I just can't shake. I'm an only child and I am very, very close to my mom. I can't even think about anything happening to her. Needless to say, all of this has helped put IF into perspective for me.

I really want my mom to have her surgery sooner rather than later just in case the tumor becomes malignant, but my mom is insistent that I cycle in October as planned. I think right now my greatest fear isn't the cycle not working, but the cycle being delayed due to a cyst (my spring cycle was delayed three times due to cysts, but I'm hoping the DHEA I was taking was the culprit). The encouraging news is that my last cycle was normal length and I usually have very short cycles when I have a cyst. Please, just this once, can something fertility related go right for me?

On Friday my CCRM nurse sent me a tentative cycle calendar based on my expected AF date. My retrieval date will be around October 20th. Thank you to everyone for their input on my dilemma of whether or not to do Microarray testing again. I've decided to go ahead and do Microarray testing again... I just can't put myself or my family through another miscarriage right now. I felt a bit of anxiety on Friday when I got my calendar. I think it was the realization that this is my last shot with my OE.

T.