I Was Asked THAT Question

Yep, that one.


"Do you have any kids?"


It's amazing how five little words can hurt so badly. I went for a pedicure yesterday and the lady doing my pedicure asked me the kids question before I'd even gotten settled into the pedicure chair. It was the second question she asked me (the first being what color polish did I want). I'm used to people building up to the kids question (usually they first ask my marital status since I don't wear a wedding ring) so I was completely blindsided by the question. I blinked back tears and responded that no, I did not have any kids and asked her if she did. Apparently, she and hubby have been married for four years and have just started trying to conceive. Thankfully, I had brought a magazine along to read so I had an excuse not to continue chit chatting about having kids. She was a very sweet lady and I hope she conceives easily, but boy did that brief exchange hurt like hell.


It took me a really long time to decide to put becoming a mom ahead of finding Mr. Right (I certainly hope that I've just reversed the order and I'll find Mr. Right down the road). I've made peace with the fact that my life isn't going to be the way I always thought it'd be (marriage first...then two or three kids, each spaced three years apart and, of course, conceived the fun way). Besides the fact that this has been a really difficult week, I think the exchange hurt because it made me feel very alone.

On a lighter note, I went to see "Inception" today and it was incredible. I highly recommend it. I've decided that tomorrow is the day for me to clean up my diet for my upcoming IVF cycle (cutting out sodas & sugar, etc.) so I wanted a "last supper". We went to Grand Lux for dinner and then ordered their chocolate molten cake for dessert...soooo yummy!!

T.

The Plan

I had a regroup with Dr. Surrey Friday morning. He was very, very sweet & comforting. I could tell that he was truly sorry that my cycle turned out the way it did. I told him that I'd been doing a lot of thinking over the last few days and that I didn't feel I was quite ready emotionally to give up on my own eggs. I told him that I realized the odds weren't in my favor, but that since this had been, in essence, my first IVF cycle, I felt like I wanted to stick to my original plan, which was to cycle at CCRM twice with my own eggs. I explained to him that I'm a big planner so even though I'm going to cycle with my OE, I'm already thinking ahead so I wanted to ask him a few questions about DE. Since I'm CMV-, Dr. Surrey was insistent that I choose an SD that was also CMV-, which greatly reduced my options. I was freaked out that I'd have the same issue with ED, but he explained that it's not a concern for ED like it is for SD (the technical explanation went way way over my head) & that they don't even test EDs for CMV. Whew, a huge weight lifted off my shoulders, ladies!! He assured me that I wouldn't need to repeat any of my testing before a DE cycle although I'll need to meet with the pyschiatrist again. I told him I'd prefer to do so in person so I'll take care of that when I'm in Denver in October. I previously met with the psychiatrist at my ODWU to discuss using DS. At the time, I was honestly a bit annoyed at having to have a session with her since I'd already been TTC for two years and had three losses, but I was pleasantly surprised that I got more out of the session than I'd expected. I also asked Dr. Surrey if I could speak to someone about the DE process so he had one of the DE nurses call me later in the afternoon (more on that later).


At one point during the conversation, Dr. Surrey remarked that he hoped I proved him wrong by being successful with this last OE cycle. It was a nice comment, but it did sting quite a bit because it was the first time any of my three REs hasn't been bullish about my chances for success. Dr. Surrey said that he'll keep me on EPP again since I stimmed "beautifully" last time. There is a part of me that wonders how I'd do on MDL since that was the original protocol he picked for me (we had to change to EPP after having to postpone my cycle three times due to cysts), but it's probably best to leave well enough alone since 13 eggs (11 of them mature) is more than I ever thought I'd get. He recommended I do Microarray testing again since he thinks if I had transferred my blast from this cycle, it likely would have implanted & resulted in another miscarriage. I'll do anything to avoid another miscarriage so I'd already decided that I was willing to spend the extra money for the testing. Plus, if by some miracle I am fortunate enough to find the golden egg, I really want to do the transfer without the stim meds in my system given that I've had two biochemical pregnancies. If I'm going to do an FET anyway, the testing isn't that much more expensive. For the last few weeks I've been taking the supplements that Dr. Schoolcraft has started recommending to his poor egg quality patients. Hopefully in the next month or so some of the ladies that have been taking the supplements will start cycling so that I can see if the supplements seem to make much of a difference (the story I've heard is that Dr. Schoolcraft had a 43 year old patient suddenly have a stellar cycle after taking a version of these supplements that's available in Europe).

Friday afternoon the DE nurse called. She was very nice & patient as I peppered her with questions. She said that while there aren't a lot of donors that have red hair, they do have them from time to time. She explained that a lot of donors don't want to cycle during the summer so the donor pool is smaller than normal right now. She said that once the fall semester starts for the local colleges, they'll be doing a lot of recruiting to get new egg donors so hopefully they'll have a few redheads in the bunch. If, when the time comes, there aren't any redheads that I like, she said they would be willing to call former EDs that had a cycle resulting in a successful pregnancy to see if they would be interested in donating again. I felt MUCH better after talking to the nurse because she really felt like I'd be able to find a donor I was happy with if/when I get to to that point. I realize that using a donor from an agency is a possibility, but that seems so much riskier to me. I don't like the idea of shelling out $4K to test a donor and have her end up with high FSH or something (when it comes to infertility, my glass is half empty).


There is definitely a big part of me that is tempted to jump straight to DE. The thought of having an 80% chance of success is very, very tempting. I really dread the thought of another Christmas season without even being pregnant yet. However, after talking to the nurse, it sounds like it would be later this fall before there would be any EDs that would work for me so I don't think cycling with my OE will delay a DE cycle by too much anyway. The nurse said she would send out a packet of information. I'm hoping it will have more information about the screening process.


In the mail today I received the report the GC prepared based on my visit with her before my retrieval. It was quite ironic to be reading about the likelihood of my child having my dad's asthma or my mom's glaucoma given what has transpired over the last few days. It didn't upset me though so that's real progress.

In non-fertility news, I'm getting out of the house tomorrow to shop for a new couch. It wasn't in my budget for this year to buy a new couch, but my dog had other ideas as she used to scratch the bottom of it when no one was paying attention to her. She finally seems to have outgrown that stage, but the couch now looks like crap. My family room isn't the easiest to decorate. I just happened to have a couch with a slight curve to it when I bought my house and this couch shape fits the room perfectly. I'm not sure how easy it's going to be to find something else that will work, but it'll do me good to have a fun project to focus on while I wait to cycle again this fall. Does anyone else now measure expenses in cycling terms (well, that couch costs the same as ICSIX2)?!


Have a great weekend, ladies! From the bottom of my heart, thank you SO much for all of the support this week. With your support & now that I have my plan set, I'm in a MUCH better place than I was on Monday. Onwards & upwards!

Hugs,
T.

Today

Today was a little bit better day. As you can imagine, I haven't been the most productive employee in the world this week unless you count staring off into space as productive. Fortunately for me, there's a lull right now after the end of the quarter so there hasn't been a lot of urgent matters for me to handle. This is the time of the quarter when I try to clean out my inbox and address all of those non-critical items that I rarely have time to handle. Today I forced myself to at least make a little dent in my inbox. It made me feel a tad better to at least do something productive. For a little while at least, if asked I would have said that I felt "ok" and that's real progress.



For the last five years I've been super lucky in that I've been able to work from home about 98% of the time. My company was acquired last year and the new company doesn't allow telecommuting, but I've been allowed to continue to telecommute until they could move me to the new company's offices. On Monday (the same day that I found out my Microarray results...I should have stayed in bed & turned off the phone!), the admin called to let me know that I would be moving to the new company's offices next week. You see, I'm a big time planner. I had it all planned out three years ago. I was going to have my baby and be able to see him/her anytime I wanted because I'd be working from home. I figured the working from home would make things easier while I was pregnant and, most importantly, after the baby came since I plan on breastfeeding. Obviously real life didn't pan out quite the way I had it worked out in my head.



When I decided to start TTC, I decided that I wasn't going to buy any baby stuff because I didn't want to jinx things (I have since bought a couple of things that I just couldn't pass up). I didn't think to tell my mom that I didn't want any baby stuff so the first time I saw her after I made my decision she brought me a little pacifier with a Longhorn on it (Texas is my alma mater). Today I happened to see that little pacifier in my drawer where I stuff a bunch of things that I rarely need. Yeah...ouch!



When Dr. Surrey called on Monday, he told me to call him later this week so that we could chat when I was more clearheaded. I'm going to try to reach him tomorrow. I'll let y'all know how it goes.



I'm sooo glad tomorrow is Friday!!



T.

I Miss My Embryo

I woke up this morning feeling so empty. It made me realize how attached I'd become to my little embryo in Colorado. First there were 13 eggs, then 9 embryos, then 1 embryo, and now none. I'd always been such a poor responder that I honestly thought that 13 eggs would surely get the job done. Guess not. :-(

I've had a few crying jags over the last 24 hours. They don't last long though because my younger furbaby always comes running & insists that I pick her up. It's hard to cry with a sweet little shih tzu licking away your tears. She then looks at me likes she's trying to solve a really complex math problem, but she's just trying to figure out how to make me happy again.

Still debating what to do next. I don't know a lot about the whole DE process. If I do DE next, it will be important for me to have a donor with red hair. I wonder how hard that will be to find....

Thanks for reading.

T.

No Miracle Here

Dr. Surrey called this afternoon to let me know that my one blastocyst was abnormal (it was missing a Chromosome 22). I was shaking when I answered the phone, but I knew when he took a long time in telling me my results that it wasn't good news. I somehow managed not to breakdown in tears until after I got off the phone. With only one blastocyst, my head certainly knew the odds weren't in my favor. I didn't realize until today how much my heart was holding out hope. I even have these crazy thoughts that the missing chromosome was there and the stupid test just didn't see it. I promise I'm normally a very rational, logical person.

I think in someways TTC without a partner has been easier, but right now I wish I had someone to help me sort out where to go from here. My mom has been my biggest supporter through all of this, but I know she's reluctant to push me one way or the other. Dr. Surrey gently tried to steer me to DE; however, he said now wasn't the time to make any decisions. He said to call him in a few days to discuss everything when I'm more clear-headed. He said most ladies with no normals on a first cycle don't have a good outcome on the next cycle (I have seen a few ladies beat the odds, but they didn't have one lousy blast on their first cycle). He seemed to think that if I cycled with my OE again that I should do the testing again. Despite the extra expense, I'm definitely on board as the emergency D&C from my last miscarriage definitely left some emotional scars (not to mention the risks that D&C's pose to my uterus). A part of me wants to give it one last chance just in case this was a bad cycle (this was almost like my first IVF since I only had two eggs with my local cycle), but the other part of me knows that the odds are poor with my OE & doesn't want to put off a DE cycle another six months just to give it one last shot with my OE. With DE, I worry about bonding issues & then I think how silly that is because I have two furbabies (both shih tzus) that I love like crazy and they certainly don't share my DNA. With every other lady suffering through infertility, she has my empathy and I know it's not a reflection on her as a person. Why then do I feel like such a failure? My therapist told me to view this as the process failed, not me. I really need to work on that.

Thanks for reading this rambling post.

T.

How I Got Here...

Writing my own blog is something that I never in a million years thought I'd do. I've just never been much of a writer. Of course, I never thought I'd try to have a baby on my own or do an IVF cycle (let alone in Colorado) either so I guess it's a pretty minor thing to remove from my "I'll never do" list. I'm so grateful for the bloggers that have shared their infertility stories as it has helped me to feel less alone as I forge along this windy, pitfall-ridden, seemingly never-ending road that I hope will one day end with a precious child that will call me "mom". This won't be the wittiest or the most eloquent infertility blog by far, but for some reason I feel the need to share my story. Thanks so much for reading.

About me...

I recently turned 41 and I have been TTC my first child using DS for 2.5 years. After my fifth IUI cycle resulted in my second biochemical pregnancy, I decided to move onto IVF. When I was doing my IUI cycles, it always comforted me to know that IVF was an option because, well, surely that would work, right? How naive I was.

My first IVF cycle was done locally in August 2009. My cycle was badly mismanaged by my local RE and I ended up with only two eggs retrieved, which were transferred on D2. Against all odds, I got pregnant. It was a six week rollercoaster as I had low, but consistently doubling betas. There was no heartbeat at my first ultrasound appointment and my RE said that with my low betas, he didn't think there was any chance for a happy outcome. He left it up to me whether or not I wanted to continue on the progesterone and redo the ultrasound in another week. I chose to redo the ultrasound and to everyone's shock, there was a heartbeat. I wish so much that I could go back and watch that beautiful flickering heartbeat one more time. As long as I live, I'll never, ever forget that moment. I've spent so many days and nights over the last 10 months wondering if I'll ever see another heartbeat. Sadly, the news still wasn't encouraging as the baby was measuring well over a week behind his/her gestational age. My RE told me he'd definitely seen a few cases like mine turn out ok, but that the odds weren't in my favor. The plan was to see the perinatologist the next week. I spent the next five days of my life googling to find every miracle story I could find. Unfortunately, five days after my ultrasound I had intense cramping and started spotting so I knew there wasn't a miracle in the cards for me. I went back to my RE to confirm my worst fears and an ultrasound showed no heartbeat. It looked like the baby had died a day or so after my last ultrasound. A few days later I started hemorrhaging and had to have an emergency D&C. Honestly, despite everything, I don't regret staying on the progesterone. I gave my baby a chance, slight as it was, and I got to see the miracle of his/her beating heart if only for a few minutes. The tissue test came back as 46XX--a normal female. Unfortunately, I'll never know if it was my tissue or the baby's tissue that was tested.

After my disastrous local cycle, I decided to move onto the very best so I went to CCRM. I cycled in late May/early June and I had an amazing cycle (13 eggs retrieved, 11 mature, 8 fertilized, a stellar D3 report) up until D6 when I learned that only one embryo made it to blast (D6 4AB). I was and still am devastated. While I know there's still a slight chance this could turn out well, it's hard for me to imagine this one embryo beating the odds. Of course, that hasn't stopped me from googling for success stories with only one blast. I should have my Microarray results back this week. One of the things that my friends and family don't understand about infertility is that it seems like every setback becomes cumulative. My tears over my crappy D6 report aren't just over that one report, the pain of the three losses also comes flooding back.

Despite the anxiety, the anguish, and the uncertainty of when, or even if, I'll ever be successful, I continue moving forward, praying that one day I'll be a mom. Regardless of how my Microarray results turn out, I'm planning on cycling one last time with my own eggs at CCRM this October. I've seen enough ladies have one bad cycle & then a much better cycle to give it one last shot. I think I need it for closure. My CCRM RE was ok with my plan, saying that hopefully this cycle was like getting a bad batch of apples and I'd have a better batch next time. I know it's probably not too likely, but for my peace of mind I'm going to give it one last shot.

Thanks for reading.

T.