how NOT to handle it when you get knocked up & you have an infertile friend. Lord knows, I have plenty of examples to draw from. The latest...I got an evite for a friend's baby shower and I didn't even know she was pregnant or seeing anyone for that matter. I'm teetering, but I am NOT going to fall apart again. I'm not, I'm not, I'm not.
T.
Wednesday, May 11, 2011
Sunday, May 8, 2011
A long overdue thank you...
From the bottom of my heart, thank you for all of your compassionate, supportive comments regarding my friend's insensitive statement a few weeks ago. I thought I'd hit rock bottom being told that my uterus may be jacked up, but my friend's comment had me spiraling down to a place that, quite honestly, frightened me. I probably read your comments twenty times in the days afterwards because they helped me to feel much less alone. One commenter said something that really hit home...there's a part of me that sometimes feels like somehow I'm being punished by God so it's no wonder my friend's statement about her prayers being answered so quickly was so upsetting to me. I know there's no way I could handle hearing about her son's impending fatherhood after the way she sprung the news on me so I've distanced myself from this friend for now.
Anyway, I'm doing better. I'm working on starting to live again and not having my whole life be consumed by infertility. I'm not yet ready to schedule my last FET...I figure I'll know when it's the right time. In the meantime, I've finally made my way back to the gym after not being there in eons, I've been doing some decorating, & I'm starting a photography class next week. The subject of babies & pregnancy is just too much for me to handle right now so I may not post much, but you all are always close to my heart.
Thanks again,
T.
Anyway, I'm doing better. I'm working on starting to live again and not having my whole life be consumed by infertility. I'm not yet ready to schedule my last FET...I figure I'll know when it's the right time. In the meantime, I've finally made my way back to the gym after not being there in eons, I've been doing some decorating, & I'm starting a photography class next week. The subject of babies & pregnancy is just too much for me to handle right now so I may not post much, but you all are always close to my heart.
Thanks again,
T.
Sunday, April 10, 2011
I Mean, Really?
I have a friend, P., who suffered four miscarriages before adopting her son, who is now grown, so you would think that she, of all people, would be sensitive towards my situation. P. is very aware of all I've been through while TTC, knows that I've had bouts of deep depression over my situation, and knows that I recently had my fourth loss. P. invited me to lunch today & proceeded to blindside me with the news that her son & his on-again, off-again-supposedly infertile girlfriend are six weeks pregnant. She then proceeds to tell me that she'd just prayed to God that her son would find the right woman & start a family so that she could be a grandma and, whaddya know, he sure answered my prayers quickly. How lovely for you, but he sure as fuck hasn't answered my prayers or my family's prayers so, gee, ya probably could have left that part out. I literally ran out of the restaurant bawling & have been crying hysterically ever since. I cannot fathom what would have possessed her to tell me five minutes into the pregnancy, in a public place, and in such a way that she clearly hadn't stopped to think that this news might be difficult for me to hear. If anyone reading has that super secret direct line to God, would you please tell him that T. in Texas cannot. take. anymore.
T.
T.
Saturday, April 2, 2011
Unexplained...
It was always assumed that my fertility issue was old, worn out eggs. Never in a million years did I think that I would long for the day that was my diagnosis rather than the maddening, frustrating, hopeless "unexplained" label. A few weeks ago, I had my official regroup with Dr. Surrey and I asked him if he thought my latest biochemical pregnancy was an embryo issue or a uterine issue. He said he's leaning towards a unterine issue that they just can't see. He said the last rock to look under is the beta integrin biopsy. Well, on Thursday I got my beta integrin results and, of course, everything is perfectly fine. Just like my perfect embryo that thawed perfectly that my body somehow failed to allow to implant properly. I've grown to hate the word "perfect". I guess I should be glad he told me that my remaining embryo wasn't quite perfect.
If I do an FET, Dr. Surrey suggested we try the endometrial scraping. I'm just not sure I want to continue to bang my head against the wall. I want to be a mom and if that can't happen with my genes and/or my body, I'll deal. But what variable do I change or do I change both variables? That question keeps me awake at night. I wish I knew the answer. I've considered cycling one more time to try to get another normal or two before moving on to a surrogate. I've also considered doing a DE cycle with the thought that if I fail a DE cycle, it pretty much confirms Dr. Surrey's suspicion that something is wrong with my body and then, hopefully, I'd have a good number of quality embryos to use with a surrogate. I just don't know what to do. I just know that never being a mom is not an option for me so I keep on keeping on even though many days I can hardly breathe this all hurts so damn much.
T.
If I do an FET, Dr. Surrey suggested we try the endometrial scraping. I'm just not sure I want to continue to bang my head against the wall. I want to be a mom and if that can't happen with my genes and/or my body, I'll deal. But what variable do I change or do I change both variables? That question keeps me awake at night. I wish I knew the answer. I've considered cycling one more time to try to get another normal or two before moving on to a surrogate. I've also considered doing a DE cycle with the thought that if I fail a DE cycle, it pretty much confirms Dr. Surrey's suspicion that something is wrong with my body and then, hopefully, I'd have a good number of quality embryos to use with a surrogate. I just don't know what to do. I just know that never being a mom is not an option for me so I keep on keeping on even though many days I can hardly breathe this all hurts so damn much.
T.
Thursday, February 24, 2011
Requesting Info Re: Possible Lining Issue
Dr. Surrey called the evening of my second beta to offer his condolences on my biochemical pregnancy. He said that most likely either (1) the embryo had a chromosomal problem that the current testing cannot pickup or (2) there's an issue with my lining that they can't observe. He actually brought up the word "surrogate" although he feels it's too soon to consider that route. I think he was starting to prepare me just in case. My impression was that he was pretty shocked at this outcome given the quality of the embryo & how beautifully it thawed. I reminded him that the tissue from the one D&C I had came back as 46XX. I've never been 100% convinced that was my tissue and it has bothered me even before this latest loss with a known (assuming no testing error) chromosomally normal embryo. Basically, Dr. Surrey said the last rock to look under is an endometrial biopsy to check for the beta integrin protein, which I plan to do this next cycle. Investigating lining issues is new to me so I'd really appreciate any and all advice and information. I've had the recurrent pregnancy loss panel (although I intend to ask Dr. Surrey if we should repeat it as a precaution since that was two losses ago). Is there any other testing that I should request?
At one time I recall reading a discussion about endometrial scraping, the idea being that damaging the uterine lining somehow produced a reaction that later aided implantation. Will the biopsy achieve this if I do a transfer within a few months?
The other thing I want to discuss with Dr. Surrey is my lining thickness. I did my ultrasound a day earlier than normal and it was already at 13.7mm. I read on one site that a lining that's too thick can actually hurt implantation so I want to see if we can aim for a slightly thinner lining next time. That may be tricky though because I seem to always have trouble with my Estrogen being stubbornly low both on stim and transfer cycles.
Thank you for all of the comforting words this week. They all made me feel much less alone. I tried going to work on Wednesday and finally ended up telling my new boss the situation because I wasn't doing well at work. He & his wife recently adopted after a long struggle with infertility & then two failed adoption placements so I knew he'd be sympathetic. He actually thought I was going to quit when I called him from a conference room (he's based out west). He offered to give me more time off, but I said that work was a good distraction for me, but I'd do better at home so he's letting me work from home this week. My mom is staying with me so between her & my dogs I'm holding it together. I hate bedtime & first thing in the morning as that's when it all really hits me. I just wish I knew what to do next.
T.
At one time I recall reading a discussion about endometrial scraping, the idea being that damaging the uterine lining somehow produced a reaction that later aided implantation. Will the biopsy achieve this if I do a transfer within a few months?
The other thing I want to discuss with Dr. Surrey is my lining thickness. I did my ultrasound a day earlier than normal and it was already at 13.7mm. I read on one site that a lining that's too thick can actually hurt implantation so I want to see if we can aim for a slightly thinner lining next time. That may be tricky though because I seem to always have trouble with my Estrogen being stubbornly low both on stim and transfer cycles.
Thank you for all of the comforting words this week. They all made me feel much less alone. I tried going to work on Wednesday and finally ended up telling my new boss the situation because I wasn't doing well at work. He & his wife recently adopted after a long struggle with infertility & then two failed adoption placements so I knew he'd be sympathetic. He actually thought I was going to quit when I called him from a conference room (he's based out west). He offered to give me more time off, but I said that work was a good distraction for me, but I'd do better at home so he's letting me work from home this week. My mom is staying with me so between her & my dogs I'm holding it together. I hate bedtime & first thing in the morning as that's when it all really hits me. I just wish I knew what to do next.
T.
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
It's Over (Beta #2)
My beta dropped to 4. I honestly don't feel anything right now other than numbness. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for all of your kind words the last few days. They've meant everything to me.
I'll write more soon.
Love,
T.
I'll write more soon.
Love,
T.
Sunday, February 20, 2011
Deja Vu (Beta #1)
My starting betas for my four pregnancies are as follows:
#1 (IUI) - 14 at 14dpo
#2 (IUI) - 9 at 16dpo
#3 (IVF) - 34 at 15dpo
#4 (FET) - 18.3 at 14dpo
I just feel so defeated and so stupid for spending all of this time & money desperately trying to avoid another loss only to be staring that in the face yet again. For whatever reason, my embryos love to implant, they're just too weak to develop normally. I thought that the combination of the supplements and CCRM's magic would work for me, but I was deluding myself.
Every other time my doctor or nurse has called with my first beta, they've told me upfront that my beta was very low. The CCRM nurse that called today was incredibly upbeat & exuberantly congratulated me on being pregnant. For a few seconds I thought that I'd finally gotten my dream of a pregnancy with a fighting chance of being viable. I finally asked her what my beta was (she didn't volunteer the information) and only then did she tell me it was "slightly low" at 18.3. At first I thought I'd misheard her. It was just devastating to be told in that manner. I just thank God that I'd done the HPTs so I was prepared as I could be for a low number. The nurse actually told me they're "cautiously optimistic" and congratulated me on being pregnant before she hung up. I don't get it.
My progesterone is still a tad low at 19.5 so they're adding a suppository at bedtime. Lovely.
Please, I beg of you, please don't share any low beta success stories. That's not what happens to me. With pregnancies #1 & #3, my betas kept barely doubling until they finally gave up on blood tests and waited for the first ultrasound (with #1, nothing was visible & with #3, I ended up seeing the heartbeat a week later than normal & ended up with an emergency D&C due to the amount of bleeding I was having, which was the most traumatic experience of my life). Since I saw a line on the FRER approx. 36 hours before my beta & my beta was only 18.3, I'm hoping it's a sign that this won't be a long, drawn out affair again. It's sad that's what I'm praying for now.
T.
#1 (IUI) - 14 at 14dpo
#2 (IUI) - 9 at 16dpo
#3 (IVF) - 34 at 15dpo
#4 (FET) - 18.3 at 14dpo
I just feel so defeated and so stupid for spending all of this time & money desperately trying to avoid another loss only to be staring that in the face yet again. For whatever reason, my embryos love to implant, they're just too weak to develop normally. I thought that the combination of the supplements and CCRM's magic would work for me, but I was deluding myself.
Every other time my doctor or nurse has called with my first beta, they've told me upfront that my beta was very low. The CCRM nurse that called today was incredibly upbeat & exuberantly congratulated me on being pregnant. For a few seconds I thought that I'd finally gotten my dream of a pregnancy with a fighting chance of being viable. I finally asked her what my beta was (she didn't volunteer the information) and only then did she tell me it was "slightly low" at 18.3. At first I thought I'd misheard her. It was just devastating to be told in that manner. I just thank God that I'd done the HPTs so I was prepared as I could be for a low number. The nurse actually told me they're "cautiously optimistic" and congratulated me on being pregnant before she hung up. I don't get it.
My progesterone is still a tad low at 19.5 so they're adding a suppository at bedtime. Lovely.
Please, I beg of you, please don't share any low beta success stories. That's not what happens to me. With pregnancies #1 & #3, my betas kept barely doubling until they finally gave up on blood tests and waited for the first ultrasound (with #1, nothing was visible & with #3, I ended up seeing the heartbeat a week later than normal & ended up with an emergency D&C due to the amount of bleeding I was having, which was the most traumatic experience of my life). Since I saw a line on the FRER approx. 36 hours before my beta & my beta was only 18.3, I'm hoping it's a sign that this won't be a long, drawn out affair again. It's sad that's what I'm praying for now.
T.
Saturday, February 19, 2011
Not Looking Good (8dp5dt)
I tested this morning with a FRER using FMU. I think the line is even fainter than yesterday's line. My beta is in the morning. At this point, I'm just hoping that I'm not in for another round of weeks of low betas that keep barely doubling because that has never turned out well for me and just draws out the agony. I thought that only putting one back would put less pressure on me, but now it just seems like a huge waste of time & money.
My therapist has suggested that if my FETs don't work out, that I do embryo adoption rather than a DE/DS cycle. I just don't know where to start in learning about this option. Anyone know?
T.
My therapist has suggested that if my FETs don't work out, that I do embryo adoption rather than a DE/DS cycle. I just don't know where to start in learning about this option. Anyone know?
T.
Friday, February 18, 2011
More HPT "Fun" (7dp5dt)
I just don't know what to think.
I didn't want to POAS until after work so I held my pee all afternoon (5+ hours) & re-tested this evening. The Clearblue Easy Digital came up "not pregnant". The FRER had a faint line within a few minutes. I took the FRER outside and I could see the line without squinting or having to look at it from a certain angle. Would love to think there's hope here, but I sure wish I wasn't still getting a negative on the digital a day & a half before my beta (supposedly CBE digital has a sensitivity of 25mlU).
The good news is that I had the last of my brownish bleeding last night and I haven't had any bleeding today.
It's going to be a long wait for Sunday.
T.
I didn't want to POAS until after work so I held my pee all afternoon (5+ hours) & re-tested this evening. The Clearblue Easy Digital came up "not pregnant". The FRER had a faint line within a few minutes. I took the FRER outside and I could see the line without squinting or having to look at it from a certain angle. Would love to think there's hope here, but I sure wish I wasn't still getting a negative on the digital a day & a half before my beta (supposedly CBE digital has a sensitivity of 25mlU).
The good news is that I had the last of my brownish bleeding last night and I haven't had any bleeding today.
It's going to be a long wait for Sunday.
T.
Thursday, February 17, 2011
A Crappy Day (6dp5dt)
Just before noon today, I had some reddish spotting when I wiped after peeing. I e-mailed my nurse and she said to rest, if possible, so I took sick time this afternoon and laid on the couch with my legs elevated. Later in the afternoon, I started seeing brownish blood after peeing. I had brownish bleeding with my first two pregnancies (both biochemical) so for me that has never been a promising sign. Also, it seems like 11dpo would be late for implantation bleeding, no?
I made my mind up weeks ago that I wouldn't POAS until tomorrow evening when I wouldn't have to face work for a few days if it was negative. Well, my resolve went out the window with the bleeding episode so I POAS with two different tests and both were BFN. I think it had been about 2.5 hours since I'd last peed (I'd had little to drink) when I took the tests and my urine was quite yellow so I think it should have been concentrated enough to pick up HCG if it was present. The brownish bleeding followed by the negative HPTs has me in complete meltdown mode. About three hours after taking my HPT, I even fished the non-digital test out of the garbage can and broke it apart to look at the test strip. I've tried to convince myself that there's a faint, faint pink line, but I'm sure it's either an evaporation line or it's all in my head. I'm back to feverishly googling sh*t on the internet looking for a case like mine that turned out ok and I hate being back here. If I can't get a CCS normal 4AA embryo that was 100% expanding to stick, will anything ever f-ing stick? I just don't know how I'm going to make it through work tomorrow and I absolutely can't take the day off.
I. am. so. tired.
T.
I made my mind up weeks ago that I wouldn't POAS until tomorrow evening when I wouldn't have to face work for a few days if it was negative. Well, my resolve went out the window with the bleeding episode so I POAS with two different tests and both were BFN. I think it had been about 2.5 hours since I'd last peed (I'd had little to drink) when I took the tests and my urine was quite yellow so I think it should have been concentrated enough to pick up HCG if it was present. The brownish bleeding followed by the negative HPTs has me in complete meltdown mode. About three hours after taking my HPT, I even fished the non-digital test out of the garbage can and broke it apart to look at the test strip. I've tried to convince myself that there's a faint, faint pink line, but I'm sure it's either an evaporation line or it's all in my head. I'm back to feverishly googling sh*t on the internet looking for a case like mine that turned out ok and I hate being back here. If I can't get a CCS normal 4AA embryo that was 100% expanding to stick, will anything ever f-ing stick? I just don't know how I'm going to make it through work tomorrow and I absolutely can't take the day off.
I. am. so. tired.
T.
Saturday, February 12, 2011
Lucky #7?
My transfer was yesterday so I am officially PUPO with what hopefully will be Lucky #7! Seven is off to a great start...100% cell survival, fully expanded & just starting to hatch at the time of transfer. This is my first attempt at posting a picture on my blog so hopefully it will work.
I guess I've become so conditioned for bad news, that I'm almost a little unnerved by how perfect everything seems on paper. I'm relieved, optimistic, excited, and nervous all at once. At my last check, my Estrogen was on the low side, but it is now up to 475 so well above the 300 that CCRM is looking for. My Progesterone was slighly low at 17.6 so they've upped my PIO dosage & I'll have it rechecked with my beta next week. I've had slight crampiness today, but I know it's way too soon for that to be anything other than a side effect from the Progesterone.
The lady who drew my blood remembered me when she saw me. She did a little cheer since she knew I was finally headed for a transfer after two retrieval cycles. So sweet! I did the pre & post-transfer acupuncture, which really helped with my nerves. I could tell when I arrived at CCRM that my blood pressure was high, but after the first round of acupuncture I felt better and it was the first time I haven't had a high BP reading at CCRM. Dr. Surrey was wonderful. He jokingly asked me if I wanted zero or one embryo put back. I really needed my mom for emotional support so I was grateful that she made the trip. I wasn't planning on using a wheelchair at the airport, but Dr. Surrey specifically told her to make me use the wheelchair so I have no choice in the matter since she's as stubborn as I.
Today is my baby Belly's 3rd birthday so I thought I'd post a picture of her. My dad assured me he's spoiling "the girls" rotten while I'm away.
Belle ("Belly Girl"):
Ruffles:
T.
I guess I've become so conditioned for bad news, that I'm almost a little unnerved by how perfect everything seems on paper. I'm relieved, optimistic, excited, and nervous all at once. At my last check, my Estrogen was on the low side, but it is now up to 475 so well above the 300 that CCRM is looking for. My Progesterone was slighly low at 17.6 so they've upped my PIO dosage & I'll have it rechecked with my beta next week. I've had slight crampiness today, but I know it's way too soon for that to be anything other than a side effect from the Progesterone.
The lady who drew my blood remembered me when she saw me. She did a little cheer since she knew I was finally headed for a transfer after two retrieval cycles. So sweet! I did the pre & post-transfer acupuncture, which really helped with my nerves. I could tell when I arrived at CCRM that my blood pressure was high, but after the first round of acupuncture I felt better and it was the first time I haven't had a high BP reading at CCRM. Dr. Surrey was wonderful. He jokingly asked me if I wanted zero or one embryo put back. I really needed my mom for emotional support so I was grateful that she made the trip. I wasn't planning on using a wheelchair at the airport, but Dr. Surrey specifically told her to make me use the wheelchair so I have no choice in the matter since she's as stubborn as I.
Today is my baby Belly's 3rd birthday so I thought I'd post a picture of her. My dad assured me he's spoiling "the girls" rotten while I'm away.
Belle ("Belly Girl"):
Ruffles:
T.
Saturday, January 29, 2011
Feeling Better...
Thank you so very much to everyone for all of the amazing support this week. It was reassuring to know that what I was feeling was perfectly normal. I saw my therapist on Thursday and she reiterated the same message as all of you--given all of my previous losses, it's to be expected that I'll be very anxious about suffering another loss as I head into my FET. When the anxiety really hits me, her advice is to remind myself that I've done absolutely everything I possibly can and that it's now out of my hands (not easy for someone who likes to be in control). She did a relaxation exercise with me and wants me to try meditating twice a day. Being very Type A, I'm not great at sitting still and just being, but I'm working on it. She also advised me to try to redirect my thoughts when I start thinking back on my miscarriage last fall, which has helped too. I do seem to be less anxious for the most part compared to how I was feeling earlier in the week. Last night I picked up HPTs at Target and that definitely had my anxiety in overdrive for awhile though.
My first Estrogen check is Monday morning. I'll have my second Estrogen check and an ultrasound on Friday morning. I've never had any issues with my lining in the past so I'm hopeful that everything will go well with the FET prep.
I'm traveling for work several days this week, which should be a great distraction since my days will be very full and there are dinners planned in the evenings. My co-workers won't raise any eyebrows over my not drinking alcohol since I'm a very light drinker, but they will probably find it odd that I'm not drinking diet Coke since I usally drink way too much of it. I'm really hoping that this is my last business trip for awhile because that would mean my FET was successful (I don't intend to travel while I'm on PIO since I just can't do my own IM shots).
This week my mom is seeing a different oncologist for a second opinion regarding her biopsy results from the lesion she had removed from her leg. The orthopedic oncologist that performed her surgery is confident that he got all of the malignant tissue and isn't recommending chemo or radiation, but we'll see what the second oncologist has to say. In just the last week she has completely stopped using her walker and she even walked around the block with the dogs & me today (about 1/2 mile), which was the farthest she's walked since her surgey. I really, really, really want her at my transfer for emotional support so we've booked her a ticket to Denver. If the weather looks like it will be really bad in Denver, she'll stay home since she's not as steady as normal & the bone graft isn't completely healed, but hopefully we'll luck out in that regard. My best friend is also going so I'll definitely be fussed over while on bedrest.
T.
My first Estrogen check is Monday morning. I'll have my second Estrogen check and an ultrasound on Friday morning. I've never had any issues with my lining in the past so I'm hopeful that everything will go well with the FET prep.
I'm traveling for work several days this week, which should be a great distraction since my days will be very full and there are dinners planned in the evenings. My co-workers won't raise any eyebrows over my not drinking alcohol since I'm a very light drinker, but they will probably find it odd that I'm not drinking diet Coke since I usally drink way too much of it. I'm really hoping that this is my last business trip for awhile because that would mean my FET was successful (I don't intend to travel while I'm on PIO since I just can't do my own IM shots).
This week my mom is seeing a different oncologist for a second opinion regarding her biopsy results from the lesion she had removed from her leg. The orthopedic oncologist that performed her surgery is confident that he got all of the malignant tissue and isn't recommending chemo or radiation, but we'll see what the second oncologist has to say. In just the last week she has completely stopped using her walker and she even walked around the block with the dogs & me today (about 1/2 mile), which was the farthest she's walked since her surgey. I really, really, really want her at my transfer for emotional support so we've booked her a ticket to Denver. If the weather looks like it will be really bad in Denver, she'll stay home since she's not as steady as normal & the bone graft isn't completely healed, but hopefully we'll luck out in that regard. My best friend is also going so I'll definitely be fussed over while on bedrest.
T.
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
One Day at a Time...
I've sat down a few times to try to write a new post, but I've struggled with putting words to my feelings. My FET is scheduled for 17 days from today. I am absolutely terrified. Terrified that the FET will fail. Even more terrified that I'll miscarry again. I even have moments when I think about postponing the FET a little longer because somehow there's comfort in knowing my two embryos are there waiting for me.
It's a long story and the details aren't really important, but something happened in December that brought back a lot of the emotional pain of my miscarriage last year. I honestly thought I'd put the pain behind me, but I definitely had the scab yanked off and for awhile it felt like it had happened recently rather than over a year ago. I think that having the reminder of the devastation I felt last year has made me skittish heading into the FET. There simply aren't any guarantees even with CCS normal embryos. I keep reminding myself that a lot is different this time (CCS testing, CCRM's lab, no stim drugs in my system), but the fear of miscarrying is really weighing heavily on me. I made an appointment with my therapist on Thursday and I'm hoping she can give me some suggestions for coping.
T.
It's a long story and the details aren't really important, but something happened in December that brought back a lot of the emotional pain of my miscarriage last year. I honestly thought I'd put the pain behind me, but I definitely had the scab yanked off and for awhile it felt like it had happened recently rather than over a year ago. I think that having the reminder of the devastation I felt last year has made me skittish heading into the FET. There simply aren't any guarantees even with CCS normal embryos. I keep reminding myself that a lot is different this time (CCS testing, CCRM's lab, no stim drugs in my system), but the fear of miscarrying is really weighing heavily on me. I made an appointment with my therapist on Thursday and I'm hoping she can give me some suggestions for coping.
T.
Monday, December 6, 2010
I have not fallen off the face of the earth...
Oh, how I've missed you all so very, very much! I have been staying caught up with everyone's blog (usually reading on my phone at the hospital) the last few weeks. I'm sorry I haven't been able to comment, but please know I've been here in spirit.
A few weeks ago my mom had surgery to remove a tibia lesion the size of a large orange. The biopsy came back as low grade sarcoma. Fortunately, the surgeon is confident he got all of the malignant tissue and she won't need radiation or chemotherapy at this time. They'll watch her leg closely for the next few years as a precaution. A couple of days after her surgery, my mom started to have difficulty breathing. It turned out that she had a blood clot in her lung. After another week or so waiting for Coumadin to sufficiently thin her blood, she was finally released to a rehabilition hospital to get her strength back & to learn how to use a walker since she can only put 50 pounds of her weight on the leg with the bone graft. My parents' relationship is pretty crappy most days and my dad can be incredibly selfish so my dad spends a lot of time being put out that my mom's situation has been an inconvience for him. I've literally had to have conversations with him about being nicer to my mom, which helps for a few days & then he starts to revert back to form. I'm not sure what is more stressful, my mom's health situation or dealing with my dad. The surgeon estimated that it will take 8-12 weeks for her bone graft to heal so it's going to be a long couple of months. I'm just glad all of this happened before my FET.
My tentative FET date is Friday, February 11th. Since my mom's bone graft is expected to take a lot longer to heal than they originally estimated, it's unlikely that she'll be able to travel to Denver. Plus, even if the bone graft is healed, I'm reluctant to risk her walking on ice or snow in Denver with a fragile bone, not to mention the added risk of falling while on Coumadin. My best friend has been sweet enough to offer to go to Denver with me to help me out while I'm on bedrest. My mom has accompanied me to nearly everyone of my fertility appointments the last three years and it definitely hurts knowing that she won't get to be there for what will hopefully be my last transfer. As far as FET preparation, I've managed to get my FET medications ordered, my mammogram done, and my pap scheduled so I think I'm in pretty good shape. Wednesday marks the one year anniversary of my ODWU...it's hard to believe it has been a year already.
T.
A few weeks ago my mom had surgery to remove a tibia lesion the size of a large orange. The biopsy came back as low grade sarcoma. Fortunately, the surgeon is confident he got all of the malignant tissue and she won't need radiation or chemotherapy at this time. They'll watch her leg closely for the next few years as a precaution. A couple of days after her surgery, my mom started to have difficulty breathing. It turned out that she had a blood clot in her lung. After another week or so waiting for Coumadin to sufficiently thin her blood, she was finally released to a rehabilition hospital to get her strength back & to learn how to use a walker since she can only put 50 pounds of her weight on the leg with the bone graft. My parents' relationship is pretty crappy most days and my dad can be incredibly selfish so my dad spends a lot of time being put out that my mom's situation has been an inconvience for him. I've literally had to have conversations with him about being nicer to my mom, which helps for a few days & then he starts to revert back to form. I'm not sure what is more stressful, my mom's health situation or dealing with my dad. The surgeon estimated that it will take 8-12 weeks for her bone graft to heal so it's going to be a long couple of months. I'm just glad all of this happened before my FET.
My tentative FET date is Friday, February 11th. Since my mom's bone graft is expected to take a lot longer to heal than they originally estimated, it's unlikely that she'll be able to travel to Denver. Plus, even if the bone graft is healed, I'm reluctant to risk her walking on ice or snow in Denver with a fragile bone, not to mention the added risk of falling while on Coumadin. My best friend has been sweet enough to offer to go to Denver with me to help me out while I'm on bedrest. My mom has accompanied me to nearly everyone of my fertility appointments the last three years and it definitely hurts knowing that she won't get to be there for what will hopefully be my last transfer. As far as FET preparation, I've managed to get my FET medications ordered, my mammogram done, and my pap scheduled so I think I'm in pretty good shape. Wednesday marks the one year anniversary of my ODWU...it's hard to believe it has been a year already.
T.
Thursday, November 11, 2010
Update on medical scare
It turns out that my bloodwork from Monday showed elevated electrolyte levels and my eGFR level was in the middle of the "moderate kidney damage" range. Thankfully, my bloodwork from yesterday came back normal & my doctor isn't at all concerned. I think for my own peace of mind heading into my FET, I'm going to have my ob-gyn redo my bloodwork when I see her in a few weeks for my pap.
My FET is scheduled for Friday, February 11th. I hate to wait three months, but I know I'll be more relaxed if my mom comes with me & her doctor expects it to take 6 weeks for her to recover from her surgery, which is the Monday before Thanksgiving.
Much love to all my blog sisters that have gotten devastating news this week. You are in my thoughts & prayers.
T.
My FET is scheduled for Friday, February 11th. I hate to wait three months, but I know I'll be more relaxed if my mom comes with me & her doctor expects it to take 6 weeks for her to recover from her surgery, which is the Monday before Thanksgiving.
Much love to all my blog sisters that have gotten devastating news this week. You are in my thoughts & prayers.
T.
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
CCS Results
I'm very sorry I've been MIA recently. Life seems to be spinning out of control for me these days and I felt that way before everything that has happened within the last six hours. I'll blog more about what's going on at another time.
Dr. Surrey called this evening to let me know that both my 4AA and 3AB are normal. It hasn't even begun to sink in that there's finally hope for me. I'm. in. disbelief.
Yesterday I had my annual physical & they told me my bloodwork would be back in a week. This evening I had a message on my home voice mail saying that the doctor wants to recheck some of my bloodwork. Seriously, would the universe finally give me hope & then have something serious come up for me health-wise? Since it had only been 24 hours, my mom is trying to convince me that there was just a lab mixup & maybe they need more blood or something like that. Now I'm freaking out over the supplements I took for four months. God, please let it be nothing serious.
Hugs to you all,
An overwhelmed T.
Dr. Surrey called this evening to let me know that both my 4AA and 3AB are normal. It hasn't even begun to sink in that there's finally hope for me. I'm. in. disbelief.
Yesterday I had my annual physical & they told me my bloodwork would be back in a week. This evening I had a message on my home voice mail saying that the doctor wants to recheck some of my bloodwork. Seriously, would the universe finally give me hope & then have something serious come up for me health-wise? Since it had only been 24 hours, my mom is trying to convince me that there was just a lab mixup & maybe they need more blood or something like that. Now I'm freaking out over the supplements I took for four months. God, please let it be nothing serious.
Hugs to you all,
An overwhelmed T.
Friday, October 29, 2010
D6 Report
Last night I dreamt that I had an awesome D6 report, which turned out to be a great harbinger of things to come. I was hoping for three blasts and that at least one would be a D5 blast since my only blast last cycle was a D6. Well, I have not one, not two, not three, but FOUR D5 blasts!! It has been several hours since John gave me the news and I still cannot believe it. The blasts were rated 5AA, 4AA, 3AB, and 3BB. I know that finding a normal in this batch is still a big hurdle given my history, but I'm extremely grateful that this time I have a fighting chance.
Thank you for all of your good thoughts! I don't know what I would do without you ladies.
T.
Thank you for all of your good thoughts! I don't know what I would do without you ladies.
T.
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
Tick Tock
Seriously, it's only TUESDAY?? The last few days have felt like an enternity despite my being very busy trying to catch up on everything both at work and at home. With my last cycle, I insisted on a D3 report from CCRM's lab. The report couldn't have been any better yet only one embryo made it to blast. Today was D3 and a part of me wanted to call the lab to ask for a progress report; however, I resisted since I figured a glowing report wouldn't reassure me in the least anyway and a disappointing report would only upset me. I'm just so friggin' sick of waiting. I feel like it's all I've done since the day I started TTC. Wait, wait, wait, & hope. Hope that this time will be different. Please let it be different.
Approx. 60 hours to go. My boss is letting me take Friday off even though it's the last business day of the month, which is usually a big no no. To try to keep myself sane, I'm going to work on cleaning out my closets while I wait for the D6 call.
T.
Approx. 60 hours to go. My boss is letting me take Friday off even though it's the last business day of the month, which is usually a big no no. To try to keep myself sane, I'm going to work on cleaning out my closets while I wait for the D6 call.
T.
Sunday, October 24, 2010
Fertilization Report
The embryologist I spoke to after my retrieval said they would have my fertilization numbers by 8:00am. She promised to call me by 10:00am so that she could reach me before I boarded my flight. By 8:20 I couldn't stand the waiting & worrying so I called the lab. I was immediately transferred to John, the head embryologist. He's such a super nice guy! Here are my numbers:
12 eggs retrieved
9 mature
8 fertilized
The three immature eggs did not mature overnight so they won't be ICSI'd. I'm encouraged by the high fertilization rate. Last cycle it was about 70%, which is below CCRM's 80% average for ICSI. Since I'm using DS from a youngish guy, I was pretty surprised that my fertilization rate was below average. This time the fertilization rate is almost 90%...I hope that's a good sign that these eight eggs are better quality. This is the same number of eggs I had fertilize on D1 last cycle. I can only hope that a few more make it to blast this time to give me a fighting shot at finding a normal embryo. John said they would call on Friday with my D6 report. Whether my biopsies go to New Jersey or stay in-house depends upon which lab can get the results back faster. He said they can pretty much only do one patient per day at CCRM while the NJ lab can do a higher volume. My guess is that two weeks is a conservative estimate so hopefully my actual wait will be a bit shorter than that. At any rate, it should be much shorter than the five week wait I had this spring. I just hope there's one good embryo in this bunch.
Thanks for all of the good thoughts, ladies! The next 120 hours are going to go by very slowly.
Hugs,
T.
12 eggs retrieved
9 mature
8 fertilized
The three immature eggs did not mature overnight so they won't be ICSI'd. I'm encouraged by the high fertilization rate. Last cycle it was about 70%, which is below CCRM's 80% average for ICSI. Since I'm using DS from a youngish guy, I was pretty surprised that my fertilization rate was below average. This time the fertilization rate is almost 90%...I hope that's a good sign that these eight eggs are better quality. This is the same number of eggs I had fertilize on D1 last cycle. I can only hope that a few more make it to blast this time to give me a fighting shot at finding a normal embryo. John said they would call on Friday with my D6 report. Whether my biopsies go to New Jersey or stay in-house depends upon which lab can get the results back faster. He said they can pretty much only do one patient per day at CCRM while the NJ lab can do a higher volume. My guess is that two weeks is a conservative estimate so hopefully my actual wait will be a bit shorter than that. At any rate, it should be much shorter than the five week wait I had this spring. I just hope there's one good embryo in this bunch.
Thanks for all of the good thoughts, ladies! The next 120 hours are going to go by very slowly.
Hugs,
T.
Saturday, October 23, 2010
Sleepless in Denver
It's 11:45. I need to get up in less than six hours to head to the airport and I'm not even slightly drowsy. Since I quit taking Melatonin before starting stims, I didn't think to bring some along for post-retrieval.
Dr. Schoolcraft ended up doing my retrieval today. Since my left ovary loves to hide out behind my uterus, I was hoping that either Dr. Surrey or Dr. Schoolcraft would do my retrieval since they have the most experience. Dr. Schoolcraft never came in to say hello before or after my retrieval. It's kind of strange to me that he poked a needle through my vaginal wall, but I've never spoken one word to the man, LOL. Then again, he's such a god in the infertility world that meeting him would have probably raised my alreadly elevated blood pressure so maybe it's just as well. I was the only retrieval today. My nurse, Jennifer, was an absolute doll and took exceptional care of me. With my cycle in May, the nurse told me how many eggs they got as soon as I woke up, but Jennifer wasn't told that vital piece of information. Since I worry about everything throughout this process, I freaked out a bit that the news was really crappy.
When I spoke to the embryologist, I requested that they perform D2 ICSI on any eggs that mature overnight. Last cycle my only D2 ICSI'd egg made it to the early blast stage so I definitely feel like D2 ICSI is worthwhile for me (personally, I think they should do it routinely on everyone). My IVF nurse said she thinks that my blasts (trying to be optimistic) will be tested in-house, which I've been told is about a two week wait for test results. For some reason she said that not all patients have in-house testing, but I didn't ask what the determining factor is. I meant to ask the embryologist if my testing would be done in-house, but I was still a bit groggy when she came in & I forgot so I'll have to ask her tomorrow.
I'd say 90%+ of me is relieved to know that this is my last cycle with my OE. I know that many of you have cycled many more times than I have and I'm absolutely amazed at your fortitude. It felt liberating to throw away my Follistim pen on Thursday night after my trigger. On Friday I did have a few moments when it hurt to realize that this truly is the last shot with my OE. I'm an only child so I don't have any nieces or nephews to carry on my family's genetics and that does hurt. In total I've produced 25 eggs at CCRM. If 25 eggs doesn't get the job done, I think it's incredibly doubtful another cycle would do the trick. Plus, I'm just done emotionally and physically. Sure, there's a part of me that wants this cycle to succeed so that my baby will have my genetics, but that has become so much less important to me than just being a mom. I truly do believe that the universe will give me the child I'm meant to have.
Tonight we went to The Cheesecake Factory for dinner & then to Coldstone for ice cream (my stomach wasn't quite up for cheesecake although their new peanut butter cup cheesecake looked really yummy). I wanted to go to The Grand Lux for dinner (it's owned by the same company as TCF & they make many of their desserts during your meal...the chocolate molten cake is extraordinary & I'm not even a chocolate nut). However, we went to the Grand Lux after my retrieval this spring so, just in case it was my post-retrieval meal that screwed up that cycle, I refused to tempt fate and eat there again. I don't think I mentioned that while walking my dogs on the day I left Dallas for Denver, I found a penny that was heads up. It got tucked into a special place in my wallet. I then found 50 cents at the airport & was seated in Row 7 on my flight. Since I had 13 eggs last cycle and we all know how that turned out, I'm hoping lady luck will be on my side this cycle. Silly, I know.
I'm still not sleepy, but since I have to drive to the airport bright and early, I'd better try to at least rest a bit. I can't wait to get back home. I've missed my dad, my friends, and my pooches so much (the latter most of all, but don't tell anybody!).
Goodnight, ladies.
T.
Dr. Schoolcraft ended up doing my retrieval today. Since my left ovary loves to hide out behind my uterus, I was hoping that either Dr. Surrey or Dr. Schoolcraft would do my retrieval since they have the most experience. Dr. Schoolcraft never came in to say hello before or after my retrieval. It's kind of strange to me that he poked a needle through my vaginal wall, but I've never spoken one word to the man, LOL. Then again, he's such a god in the infertility world that meeting him would have probably raised my alreadly elevated blood pressure so maybe it's just as well. I was the only retrieval today. My nurse, Jennifer, was an absolute doll and took exceptional care of me. With my cycle in May, the nurse told me how many eggs they got as soon as I woke up, but Jennifer wasn't told that vital piece of information. Since I worry about everything throughout this process, I freaked out a bit that the news was really crappy.
When I spoke to the embryologist, I requested that they perform D2 ICSI on any eggs that mature overnight. Last cycle my only D2 ICSI'd egg made it to the early blast stage so I definitely feel like D2 ICSI is worthwhile for me (personally, I think they should do it routinely on everyone). My IVF nurse said she thinks that my blasts (trying to be optimistic) will be tested in-house, which I've been told is about a two week wait for test results. For some reason she said that not all patients have in-house testing, but I didn't ask what the determining factor is. I meant to ask the embryologist if my testing would be done in-house, but I was still a bit groggy when she came in & I forgot so I'll have to ask her tomorrow.
I'd say 90%+ of me is relieved to know that this is my last cycle with my OE. I know that many of you have cycled many more times than I have and I'm absolutely amazed at your fortitude. It felt liberating to throw away my Follistim pen on Thursday night after my trigger. On Friday I did have a few moments when it hurt to realize that this truly is the last shot with my OE. I'm an only child so I don't have any nieces or nephews to carry on my family's genetics and that does hurt. In total I've produced 25 eggs at CCRM. If 25 eggs doesn't get the job done, I think it's incredibly doubtful another cycle would do the trick. Plus, I'm just done emotionally and physically. Sure, there's a part of me that wants this cycle to succeed so that my baby will have my genetics, but that has become so much less important to me than just being a mom. I truly do believe that the universe will give me the child I'm meant to have.
Tonight we went to The Cheesecake Factory for dinner & then to Coldstone for ice cream (my stomach wasn't quite up for cheesecake although their new peanut butter cup cheesecake looked really yummy). I wanted to go to The Grand Lux for dinner (it's owned by the same company as TCF & they make many of their desserts during your meal...the chocolate molten cake is extraordinary & I'm not even a chocolate nut). However, we went to the Grand Lux after my retrieval this spring so, just in case it was my post-retrieval meal that screwed up that cycle, I refused to tempt fate and eat there again. I don't think I mentioned that while walking my dogs on the day I left Dallas for Denver, I found a penny that was heads up. It got tucked into a special place in my wallet. I then found 50 cents at the airport & was seated in Row 7 on my flight. Since I had 13 eggs last cycle and we all know how that turned out, I'm hoping lady luck will be on my side this cycle. Silly, I know.
I'm still not sleepy, but since I have to drive to the airport bright and early, I'd better try to at least rest a bit. I can't wait to get back home. I've missed my dad, my friends, and my pooches so much (the latter most of all, but don't tell anybody!).
Goodnight, ladies.
T.
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