Maybe I should write a book about...

how NOT to handle it when you get knocked up & you have an infertile friend. Lord knows, I have plenty of examples to draw from. The latest...I got an evite for a friend's baby shower and I didn't even know she was pregnant or seeing anyone for that matter. I'm teetering, but I am NOT going to fall apart again. I'm not, I'm not, I'm not.

T.

A long overdue thank you...

From the bottom of my heart, thank you for all of your compassionate, supportive comments regarding my friend's insensitive statement a few weeks ago. I thought I'd hit rock bottom being told that my uterus may be jacked up, but my friend's comment had me spiraling down to a place that, quite honestly, frightened me. I probably read your comments twenty times in the days afterwards because they helped me to feel much less alone. One commenter said something that really hit home...there's a part of me that sometimes feels like somehow I'm being punished by God so it's no wonder my friend's statement about her prayers being answered so quickly was so upsetting to me. I know there's no way I could handle hearing about her son's impending fatherhood after the way she sprung the news on me so I've distanced myself from this friend for now.

Anyway, I'm doing better. I'm working on starting to live again and not having my whole life be consumed by infertility. I'm not yet ready to schedule my last FET...I figure I'll know when it's the right time. In the meantime, I've finally made my way back to the gym after not being there in eons, I've been doing some decorating, & I'm starting a photography class next week. The subject of babies & pregnancy is just too much for me to handle right now so I may not post much, but you all are always close to my heart.

Thanks again,

T.

I Mean, Really?

I have a friend, P., who suffered four miscarriages before adopting her son, who is now grown, so you would think that she, of all people, would be sensitive towards my situation. P. is very aware of all I've been through while TTC, knows that I've had bouts of deep depression over my situation, and knows that I recently had my fourth loss. P. invited me to lunch today & proceeded to blindside me with the news that her son & his on-again, off-again-supposedly infertile girlfriend are six weeks pregnant. She then proceeds to tell me that she'd just prayed to God that her son would find the right woman & start a family so that she could be a grandma and, whaddya know, he sure answered my prayers quickly. How lovely for you, but he sure as fuck hasn't answered my prayers or my family's prayers so, gee, ya probably could have left that part out. I literally ran out of the restaurant bawling & have been crying hysterically ever since. I cannot fathom what would have possessed her to tell me five minutes into the pregnancy, in a public place, and in such a way that she clearly hadn't stopped to think that this news might be difficult for me to hear. If anyone reading has that super secret direct line to God, would you please tell him that T. in Texas cannot. take. anymore.

T.

Unexplained...

It was always assumed that my fertility issue was old, worn out eggs. Never in a million years did I think that I would long for the day that was my diagnosis rather than the maddening, frustrating, hopeless "unexplained" label. A few weeks ago, I had my official regroup with Dr. Surrey and I asked him if he thought my latest biochemical pregnancy was an embryo issue or a uterine issue. He said he's leaning towards a unterine issue that they just can't see. He said the last rock to look under is the beta integrin biopsy. Well, on Thursday I got my beta integrin results and, of course, everything is perfectly fine. Just like my perfect embryo that thawed perfectly that my body somehow failed to allow to implant properly. I've grown to hate the word "perfect". I guess I should be glad he told me that my remaining embryo wasn't quite perfect.

If I do an FET, Dr. Surrey suggested we try the endometrial scraping. I'm just not sure I want to continue to bang my head against the wall. I want to be a mom and if that can't happen with my genes and/or my body, I'll deal. But what variable do I change or do I change both variables? That question keeps me awake at night. I wish I knew the answer. I've considered cycling one more time to try to get another normal or two before moving on to a surrogate. I've also considered doing a DE cycle with the thought that if I fail a DE cycle, it pretty much confirms Dr. Surrey's suspicion that something is wrong with my body and then, hopefully, I'd have a good number of quality embryos to use with a surrogate. I just don't know what to do. I just know that never being a mom is not an option for me so I keep on keeping on even though many days I can hardly breathe this all hurts so damn much.

T.

Requesting Info Re: Possible Lining Issue

Dr. Surrey called the evening of my second beta to offer his condolences on my biochemical pregnancy. He said that most likely either (1) the embryo had a chromosomal problem that the current testing cannot pickup or (2) there's an issue with my lining that they can't observe. He actually brought up the word "surrogate" although he feels it's too soon to consider that route. I think he was starting to prepare me just in case. My impression was that he was pretty shocked at this outcome given the quality of the embryo & how beautifully it thawed. I reminded him that the tissue from the one D&C I had came back as 46XX. I've never been 100% convinced that was my tissue and it has bothered me even before this latest loss with a known (assuming no testing error) chromosomally normal embryo. Basically, Dr. Surrey said the last rock to look under is an endometrial biopsy to check for the beta integrin protein, which I plan to do this next cycle. Investigating lining issues is new to me so I'd really appreciate any and all advice and information. I've had the recurrent pregnancy loss panel (although I intend to ask Dr. Surrey if we should repeat it as a precaution since that was two losses ago). Is there any other testing that I should request?

At one time I recall reading a discussion about endometrial scraping, the idea being that damaging the uterine lining somehow produced a reaction that later aided implantation. Will the biopsy achieve this if I do a transfer within a few months?

The other thing I want to discuss with Dr. Surrey is my lining thickness. I did my ultrasound a day earlier than normal and it was already at 13.7mm. I read on one site that a lining that's too thick can actually hurt implantation so I want to see if we can aim for a slightly thinner lining next time. That may be tricky though because I seem to always have trouble with my Estrogen being stubbornly low both on stim and transfer cycles.

Thank you for all of the comforting words this week. They all made me feel much less alone. I tried going to work on Wednesday and finally ended up telling my new boss the situation because I wasn't doing well at work. He & his wife recently adopted after a long struggle with infertility & then two failed adoption placements so I knew he'd be sympathetic. He actually thought I was going to quit when I called him from a conference room (he's based out west). He offered to give me more time off, but I said that work was a good distraction for me, but I'd do better at home so he's letting me work from home this week. My mom is staying with me so between her & my dogs I'm holding it together. I hate bedtime & first thing in the morning as that's when it all really hits me. I just wish I knew what to do next.

T.

It's Over (Beta #2)

My beta dropped to 4. I honestly don't feel anything right now other than numbness. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for all of your kind words the last few days. They've meant everything to me.

I'll write more soon.

Love,
T.

Deja Vu (Beta #1)

My starting betas for my four pregnancies are as follows:

#1 (IUI) - 14 at 14dpo
#2 (IUI) - 9 at 16dpo
#3 (IVF) - 34 at 15dpo
#4 (FET) - 18.3 at 14dpo

I just feel so defeated and so stupid for spending all of this time & money desperately trying to avoid another loss only to be staring that in the face yet again. For whatever reason, my embryos love to implant, they're just too weak to develop normally. I thought that the combination of the supplements and CCRM's magic would work for me, but I was deluding myself.

Every other time my doctor or nurse has called with my first beta, they've told me upfront that my beta was very low. The CCRM nurse that called today was incredibly upbeat & exuberantly congratulated me on being pregnant. For a few seconds I thought that I'd finally gotten my dream of a pregnancy with a fighting chance of being viable. I finally asked her what my beta was (she didn't volunteer the information) and only then did she tell me it was "slightly low" at 18.3. At first I thought I'd misheard her. It was just devastating to be told in that manner. I just thank God that I'd done the HPTs so I was prepared as I could be for a low number. The nurse actually told me they're "cautiously optimistic" and congratulated me on being pregnant before she hung up. I don't get it.

My progesterone is still a tad low at 19.5 so they're adding a suppository at bedtime. Lovely.

Please, I beg of you, please don't share any low beta success stories. That's not what happens to me. With pregnancies #1 & #3, my betas kept barely doubling until they finally gave up on blood tests and waited for the first ultrasound (with #1, nothing was visible & with #3, I ended up seeing the heartbeat a week later than normal & ended up with an emergency D&C due to the amount of bleeding I was having, which was the most traumatic experience of my life). Since I saw a line on the FRER approx. 36 hours before my beta & my beta was only 18.3, I'm hoping it's a sign that this won't be a long, drawn out affair again. It's sad that's what I'm praying for now.

T.