I Mean, Really?

I have a friend, P., who suffered four miscarriages before adopting her son, who is now grown, so you would think that she, of all people, would be sensitive towards my situation. P. is very aware of all I've been through while TTC, knows that I've had bouts of deep depression over my situation, and knows that I recently had my fourth loss. P. invited me to lunch today & proceeded to blindside me with the news that her son & his on-again, off-again-supposedly infertile girlfriend are six weeks pregnant. She then proceeds to tell me that she'd just prayed to God that her son would find the right woman & start a family so that she could be a grandma and, whaddya know, he sure answered my prayers quickly. How lovely for you, but he sure as fuck hasn't answered my prayers or my family's prayers so, gee, ya probably could have left that part out. I literally ran out of the restaurant bawling & have been crying hysterically ever since. I cannot fathom what would have possessed her to tell me five minutes into the pregnancy, in a public place, and in such a way that she clearly hadn't stopped to think that this news might be difficult for me to hear. If anyone reading has that super secret direct line to God, would you please tell him that T. in Texas cannot. take. anymore.

T.

Unexplained...

It was always assumed that my fertility issue was old, worn out eggs. Never in a million years did I think that I would long for the day that was my diagnosis rather than the maddening, frustrating, hopeless "unexplained" label. A few weeks ago, I had my official regroup with Dr. Surrey and I asked him if he thought my latest biochemical pregnancy was an embryo issue or a uterine issue. He said he's leaning towards a unterine issue that they just can't see. He said the last rock to look under is the beta integrin biopsy. Well, on Thursday I got my beta integrin results and, of course, everything is perfectly fine. Just like my perfect embryo that thawed perfectly that my body somehow failed to allow to implant properly. I've grown to hate the word "perfect". I guess I should be glad he told me that my remaining embryo wasn't quite perfect.

If I do an FET, Dr. Surrey suggested we try the endometrial scraping. I'm just not sure I want to continue to bang my head against the wall. I want to be a mom and if that can't happen with my genes and/or my body, I'll deal. But what variable do I change or do I change both variables? That question keeps me awake at night. I wish I knew the answer. I've considered cycling one more time to try to get another normal or two before moving on to a surrogate. I've also considered doing a DE cycle with the thought that if I fail a DE cycle, it pretty much confirms Dr. Surrey's suspicion that something is wrong with my body and then, hopefully, I'd have a good number of quality embryos to use with a surrogate. I just don't know what to do. I just know that never being a mom is not an option for me so I keep on keeping on even though many days I can hardly breathe this all hurts so damn much.

T.