Thank you so very much to everyone for all of the amazing support this week. It was reassuring to know that what I was feeling was perfectly normal. I saw my therapist on Thursday and she reiterated the same message as all of you--given all of my previous losses, it's to be expected that I'll be very anxious about suffering another loss as I head into my FET. When the anxiety really hits me, her advice is to remind myself that I've done absolutely everything I possibly can and that it's now out of my hands (not easy for someone who likes to be in control). She did a relaxation exercise with me and wants me to try meditating twice a day. Being very Type A, I'm not great at sitting still and just being, but I'm working on it. She also advised me to try to redirect my thoughts when I start thinking back on my miscarriage last fall, which has helped too. I do seem to be less anxious for the most part compared to how I was feeling earlier in the week. Last night I picked up HPTs at Target and that definitely had my anxiety in overdrive for awhile though.
My first Estrogen check is Monday morning. I'll have my second Estrogen check and an ultrasound on Friday morning. I've never had any issues with my lining in the past so I'm hopeful that everything will go well with the FET prep.
I'm traveling for work several days this week, which should be a great distraction since my days will be very full and there are dinners planned in the evenings. My co-workers won't raise any eyebrows over my not drinking alcohol since I'm a very light drinker, but they will probably find it odd that I'm not drinking diet Coke since I usally drink way too much of it. I'm really hoping that this is my last business trip for awhile because that would mean my FET was successful (I don't intend to travel while I'm on PIO since I just can't do my own IM shots).
This week my mom is seeing a different oncologist for a second opinion regarding her biopsy results from the lesion she had removed from her leg. The orthopedic oncologist that performed her surgery is confident that he got all of the malignant tissue and isn't recommending chemo or radiation, but we'll see what the second oncologist has to say. In just the last week she has completely stopped using her walker and she even walked around the block with the dogs & me today (about 1/2 mile), which was the farthest she's walked since her surgey. I really, really, really want her at my transfer for emotional support so we've booked her a ticket to Denver. If the weather looks like it will be really bad in Denver, she'll stay home since she's not as steady as normal & the bone graft isn't completely healed, but hopefully we'll luck out in that regard. My best friend is also going so I'll definitely be fussed over while on bedrest.
T.
Saturday, January 29, 2011
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
One Day at a Time...
I've sat down a few times to try to write a new post, but I've struggled with putting words to my feelings. My FET is scheduled for 17 days from today. I am absolutely terrified. Terrified that the FET will fail. Even more terrified that I'll miscarry again. I even have moments when I think about postponing the FET a little longer because somehow there's comfort in knowing my two embryos are there waiting for me.
It's a long story and the details aren't really important, but something happened in December that brought back a lot of the emotional pain of my miscarriage last year. I honestly thought I'd put the pain behind me, but I definitely had the scab yanked off and for awhile it felt like it had happened recently rather than over a year ago. I think that having the reminder of the devastation I felt last year has made me skittish heading into the FET. There simply aren't any guarantees even with CCS normal embryos. I keep reminding myself that a lot is different this time (CCS testing, CCRM's lab, no stim drugs in my system), but the fear of miscarrying is really weighing heavily on me. I made an appointment with my therapist on Thursday and I'm hoping she can give me some suggestions for coping.
T.
It's a long story and the details aren't really important, but something happened in December that brought back a lot of the emotional pain of my miscarriage last year. I honestly thought I'd put the pain behind me, but I definitely had the scab yanked off and for awhile it felt like it had happened recently rather than over a year ago. I think that having the reminder of the devastation I felt last year has made me skittish heading into the FET. There simply aren't any guarantees even with CCS normal embryos. I keep reminding myself that a lot is different this time (CCS testing, CCRM's lab, no stim drugs in my system), but the fear of miscarrying is really weighing heavily on me. I made an appointment with my therapist on Thursday and I'm hoping she can give me some suggestions for coping.
T.
Monday, December 6, 2010
I have not fallen off the face of the earth...
Oh, how I've missed you all so very, very much! I have been staying caught up with everyone's blog (usually reading on my phone at the hospital) the last few weeks. I'm sorry I haven't been able to comment, but please know I've been here in spirit.
A few weeks ago my mom had surgery to remove a tibia lesion the size of a large orange. The biopsy came back as low grade sarcoma. Fortunately, the surgeon is confident he got all of the malignant tissue and she won't need radiation or chemotherapy at this time. They'll watch her leg closely for the next few years as a precaution. A couple of days after her surgery, my mom started to have difficulty breathing. It turned out that she had a blood clot in her lung. After another week or so waiting for Coumadin to sufficiently thin her blood, she was finally released to a rehabilition hospital to get her strength back & to learn how to use a walker since she can only put 50 pounds of her weight on the leg with the bone graft. My parents' relationship is pretty crappy most days and my dad can be incredibly selfish so my dad spends a lot of time being put out that my mom's situation has been an inconvience for him. I've literally had to have conversations with him about being nicer to my mom, which helps for a few days & then he starts to revert back to form. I'm not sure what is more stressful, my mom's health situation or dealing with my dad. The surgeon estimated that it will take 8-12 weeks for her bone graft to heal so it's going to be a long couple of months. I'm just glad all of this happened before my FET.
My tentative FET date is Friday, February 11th. Since my mom's bone graft is expected to take a lot longer to heal than they originally estimated, it's unlikely that she'll be able to travel to Denver. Plus, even if the bone graft is healed, I'm reluctant to risk her walking on ice or snow in Denver with a fragile bone, not to mention the added risk of falling while on Coumadin. My best friend has been sweet enough to offer to go to Denver with me to help me out while I'm on bedrest. My mom has accompanied me to nearly everyone of my fertility appointments the last three years and it definitely hurts knowing that she won't get to be there for what will hopefully be my last transfer. As far as FET preparation, I've managed to get my FET medications ordered, my mammogram done, and my pap scheduled so I think I'm in pretty good shape. Wednesday marks the one year anniversary of my ODWU...it's hard to believe it has been a year already.
T.
A few weeks ago my mom had surgery to remove a tibia lesion the size of a large orange. The biopsy came back as low grade sarcoma. Fortunately, the surgeon is confident he got all of the malignant tissue and she won't need radiation or chemotherapy at this time. They'll watch her leg closely for the next few years as a precaution. A couple of days after her surgery, my mom started to have difficulty breathing. It turned out that she had a blood clot in her lung. After another week or so waiting for Coumadin to sufficiently thin her blood, she was finally released to a rehabilition hospital to get her strength back & to learn how to use a walker since she can only put 50 pounds of her weight on the leg with the bone graft. My parents' relationship is pretty crappy most days and my dad can be incredibly selfish so my dad spends a lot of time being put out that my mom's situation has been an inconvience for him. I've literally had to have conversations with him about being nicer to my mom, which helps for a few days & then he starts to revert back to form. I'm not sure what is more stressful, my mom's health situation or dealing with my dad. The surgeon estimated that it will take 8-12 weeks for her bone graft to heal so it's going to be a long couple of months. I'm just glad all of this happened before my FET.
My tentative FET date is Friday, February 11th. Since my mom's bone graft is expected to take a lot longer to heal than they originally estimated, it's unlikely that she'll be able to travel to Denver. Plus, even if the bone graft is healed, I'm reluctant to risk her walking on ice or snow in Denver with a fragile bone, not to mention the added risk of falling while on Coumadin. My best friend has been sweet enough to offer to go to Denver with me to help me out while I'm on bedrest. My mom has accompanied me to nearly everyone of my fertility appointments the last three years and it definitely hurts knowing that she won't get to be there for what will hopefully be my last transfer. As far as FET preparation, I've managed to get my FET medications ordered, my mammogram done, and my pap scheduled so I think I'm in pretty good shape. Wednesday marks the one year anniversary of my ODWU...it's hard to believe it has been a year already.
T.
Thursday, November 11, 2010
Update on medical scare
It turns out that my bloodwork from Monday showed elevated electrolyte levels and my eGFR level was in the middle of the "moderate kidney damage" range. Thankfully, my bloodwork from yesterday came back normal & my doctor isn't at all concerned. I think for my own peace of mind heading into my FET, I'm going to have my ob-gyn redo my bloodwork when I see her in a few weeks for my pap.
My FET is scheduled for Friday, February 11th. I hate to wait three months, but I know I'll be more relaxed if my mom comes with me & her doctor expects it to take 6 weeks for her to recover from her surgery, which is the Monday before Thanksgiving.
Much love to all my blog sisters that have gotten devastating news this week. You are in my thoughts & prayers.
T.
My FET is scheduled for Friday, February 11th. I hate to wait three months, but I know I'll be more relaxed if my mom comes with me & her doctor expects it to take 6 weeks for her to recover from her surgery, which is the Monday before Thanksgiving.
Much love to all my blog sisters that have gotten devastating news this week. You are in my thoughts & prayers.
T.
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
CCS Results
I'm very sorry I've been MIA recently. Life seems to be spinning out of control for me these days and I felt that way before everything that has happened within the last six hours. I'll blog more about what's going on at another time.
Dr. Surrey called this evening to let me know that both my 4AA and 3AB are normal. It hasn't even begun to sink in that there's finally hope for me. I'm. in. disbelief.
Yesterday I had my annual physical & they told me my bloodwork would be back in a week. This evening I had a message on my home voice mail saying that the doctor wants to recheck some of my bloodwork. Seriously, would the universe finally give me hope & then have something serious come up for me health-wise? Since it had only been 24 hours, my mom is trying to convince me that there was just a lab mixup & maybe they need more blood or something like that. Now I'm freaking out over the supplements I took for four months. God, please let it be nothing serious.
Hugs to you all,
An overwhelmed T.
Dr. Surrey called this evening to let me know that both my 4AA and 3AB are normal. It hasn't even begun to sink in that there's finally hope for me. I'm. in. disbelief.
Yesterday I had my annual physical & they told me my bloodwork would be back in a week. This evening I had a message on my home voice mail saying that the doctor wants to recheck some of my bloodwork. Seriously, would the universe finally give me hope & then have something serious come up for me health-wise? Since it had only been 24 hours, my mom is trying to convince me that there was just a lab mixup & maybe they need more blood or something like that. Now I'm freaking out over the supplements I took for four months. God, please let it be nothing serious.
Hugs to you all,
An overwhelmed T.
Friday, October 29, 2010
D6 Report
Last night I dreamt that I had an awesome D6 report, which turned out to be a great harbinger of things to come. I was hoping for three blasts and that at least one would be a D5 blast since my only blast last cycle was a D6. Well, I have not one, not two, not three, but FOUR D5 blasts!! It has been several hours since John gave me the news and I still cannot believe it. The blasts were rated 5AA, 4AA, 3AB, and 3BB. I know that finding a normal in this batch is still a big hurdle given my history, but I'm extremely grateful that this time I have a fighting chance.
Thank you for all of your good thoughts! I don't know what I would do without you ladies.
T.
Thank you for all of your good thoughts! I don't know what I would do without you ladies.
T.
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
Tick Tock
Seriously, it's only TUESDAY?? The last few days have felt like an enternity despite my being very busy trying to catch up on everything both at work and at home. With my last cycle, I insisted on a D3 report from CCRM's lab. The report couldn't have been any better yet only one embryo made it to blast. Today was D3 and a part of me wanted to call the lab to ask for a progress report; however, I resisted since I figured a glowing report wouldn't reassure me in the least anyway and a disappointing report would only upset me. I'm just so friggin' sick of waiting. I feel like it's all I've done since the day I started TTC. Wait, wait, wait, & hope. Hope that this time will be different. Please let it be different.
Approx. 60 hours to go. My boss is letting me take Friday off even though it's the last business day of the month, which is usually a big no no. To try to keep myself sane, I'm going to work on cleaning out my closets while I wait for the D6 call.
T.
Approx. 60 hours to go. My boss is letting me take Friday off even though it's the last business day of the month, which is usually a big no no. To try to keep myself sane, I'm going to work on cleaning out my closets while I wait for the D6 call.
T.
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