No Miracle Here

Dr. Surrey called this afternoon to let me know that my one blastocyst was abnormal (it was missing a Chromosome 22). I was shaking when I answered the phone, but I knew when he took a long time in telling me my results that it wasn't good news. I somehow managed not to breakdown in tears until after I got off the phone. With only one blastocyst, my head certainly knew the odds weren't in my favor. I didn't realize until today how much my heart was holding out hope. I even have these crazy thoughts that the missing chromosome was there and the stupid test just didn't see it. I promise I'm normally a very rational, logical person.

I think in someways TTC without a partner has been easier, but right now I wish I had someone to help me sort out where to go from here. My mom has been my biggest supporter through all of this, but I know she's reluctant to push me one way or the other. Dr. Surrey gently tried to steer me to DE; however, he said now wasn't the time to make any decisions. He said to call him in a few days to discuss everything when I'm more clear-headed. He said most ladies with no normals on a first cycle don't have a good outcome on the next cycle (I have seen a few ladies beat the odds, but they didn't have one lousy blast on their first cycle). He seemed to think that if I cycled with my OE again that I should do the testing again. Despite the extra expense, I'm definitely on board as the emergency D&C from my last miscarriage definitely left some emotional scars (not to mention the risks that D&C's pose to my uterus). A part of me wants to give it one last chance just in case this was a bad cycle (this was almost like my first IVF since I only had two eggs with my local cycle), but the other part of me knows that the odds are poor with my OE & doesn't want to put off a DE cycle another six months just to give it one last shot with my OE. With DE, I worry about bonding issues & then I think how silly that is because I have two furbabies (both shih tzus) that I love like crazy and they certainly don't share my DNA. With every other lady suffering through infertility, she has my empathy and I know it's not a reflection on her as a person. Why then do I feel like such a failure? My therapist told me to view this as the process failed, not me. I really need to work on that.

Thanks for reading this rambling post.

T.