Feeling Better...

Thank you so very much to everyone for all of the amazing support this week. It was reassuring to know that what I was feeling was perfectly normal. I saw my therapist on Thursday and she reiterated the same message as all of you--given all of my previous losses, it's to be expected that I'll be very anxious about suffering another loss as I head into my FET. When the anxiety really hits me, her advice is to remind myself that I've done absolutely everything I possibly can and that it's now out of my hands (not easy for someone who likes to be in control). She did a relaxation exercise with me and wants me to try meditating twice a day. Being very Type A, I'm not great at sitting still and just being, but I'm working on it. She also advised me to try to redirect my thoughts when I start thinking back on my miscarriage last fall, which has helped too. I do seem to be less anxious for the most part compared to how I was feeling earlier in the week. Last night I picked up HPTs at Target and that definitely had my anxiety in overdrive for awhile though.

My first Estrogen check is Monday morning. I'll have my second Estrogen check and an ultrasound on Friday morning. I've never had any issues with my lining in the past so I'm hopeful that everything will go well with the FET prep.

I'm traveling for work several days this week, which should be a great distraction since my days will be very full and there are dinners planned in the evenings. My co-workers won't raise any eyebrows over my not drinking alcohol since I'm a very light drinker, but they will probably find it odd that I'm not drinking diet Coke since I usally drink way too much of it. I'm really hoping that this is my last business trip for awhile because that would mean my FET was successful (I don't intend to travel while I'm on PIO since I just can't do my own IM shots).

This week my mom is seeing a different oncologist for a second opinion regarding her biopsy results from the lesion she had removed from her leg. The orthopedic oncologist that performed her surgery is confident that he got all of the malignant tissue and isn't recommending chemo or radiation, but we'll see what the second oncologist has to say. In just the last week she has completely stopped using her walker and she even walked around the block with the dogs & me today (about 1/2 mile), which was the farthest she's walked since her surgey. I really, really, really want her at my transfer for emotional support so we've booked her a ticket to Denver. If the weather looks like it will be really bad in Denver, she'll stay home since she's not as steady as normal & the bone graft isn't completely healed, but hopefully we'll luck out in that regard. My best friend is also going so I'll definitely be fussed over while on bedrest.

T.

One Day at a Time...

I've sat down a few times to try to write a new post, but I've struggled with putting words to my feelings. My FET is scheduled for 17 days from today. I am absolutely terrified. Terrified that the FET will fail. Even more terrified that I'll miscarry again. I even have moments when I think about postponing the FET a little longer because somehow there's comfort in knowing my two embryos are there waiting for me.

It's a long story and the details aren't really important, but something happened in December that brought back a lot of the emotional pain of my miscarriage last year. I honestly thought I'd put the pain behind me, but I definitely had the scab yanked off and for awhile it felt like it had happened recently rather than over a year ago. I think that having the reminder of the devastation I felt last year has made me skittish heading into the FET. There simply aren't any guarantees even with CCS normal embryos. I keep reminding myself that a lot is different this time (CCS testing, CCRM's lab, no stim drugs in my system), but the fear of miscarrying is really weighing heavily on me. I made an appointment with my therapist on Thursday and I'm hoping she can give me some suggestions for coping.

T.